In Suspense and Incomplete

When I began this blog a little over a year ago, it was intended to be a blog for young single women. As one of those girls who had never been in a relationship, I was tired of people who weren't single telling me, "Someday it'll happen to you. When you least expect it, the perfect guy will find you." Easy for them to say, I thought. I was tired of constantly looking ahead and wishing my life away, waiting for Someday to get here. I wanted to start living in the present, to accept myself for who I was "in suspense and incomplete." I wanted to learn how to live with a "single purpose," of coming to know myself better as a woman of God, so that when Someday comes, I will be ready. I wanted to share that journey with other girls like me, who had maybe been looking for themselves in all the wrong places. I wanted to stop pining for Mr. Right, so I set off on a journey.

The journey I have described in these posts has been my own journey of self-discovery in my singleness. Single with purpose. It was here that I wrote of the spiritual, the quirky, the inspiring, the passionate, the whatever-happened-to-be-on-my-mind-at-the-time. Each post I wrote taught me a little something about myself. Most especially, I came to realize that when I had reached a fork in the road, I heard Jesus whisper to me in the night, "You are mine, first and forever." He asked me to trust Him, so I took His hand. But as I followed Him down the road, I felt my heart breaking in ways I hadn't known possible. I kept looking back at what could have been down the other road, at the dreams that I still held onto. Looking back caused me to stumble and fall into deep holes along the way, but He always came back and picked me up, brushed me off, wiped away my tears. Together, we slowly picked up the pieces of my broken heart and broken dreams. Now, as I described in my previous post, I have found my way back home. He has mended the pieces of my heart and given me new dreams. Now I stand stronger and wiser, a woman rooted deeply in the heart of Christ.

From the beginning, I knew that I wanted to continue writing here only as long as I was single (I didn't want to become a 'Someday it will happen to you!' pep-talker.), but now that I have come to a place of such peace in my vocation, a place where new dreams have come alive in my heart, I find that I cannot continue writing here. It has been a lovely journey, made lovelier by all the positive comments I have received from you lovely readers! But I believe this is where this particular journey ends...the next one is only just beginning.

Off I go...

His Grace is enough. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

Free to Live

As I drove around yesterday, I thought about how nice it would be to go visit a friend. I drove past the highway and wondered what it would be like to be able to just take that on-ramp and go, to have the time and money to go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Wouldn't it be nice to be a nomad, a pilgrim soul, travelling wherever the wind carried me, wherever my heart desired? Well, my scattered heart desires to go many places, but the wind seems to have stopped blowing my way. So far, none of my ideas for a new life have been viable, and I am not brave enough to pack my suitcase and step out into the big world alone. Until recently, I felt as if I were stuck in the mud in my hometown. A reality check reminded me that there are worse things.

The reality check came in the form of the death of a former classmate of mine, and the news of a health scare of a good friend. It's strange how much light death sheds on life, especially when death takes someone so young. As I sat with my high school friends at the funeral yesterday, I realized that the casket could have been for any one of us. We never know the day nor the hour when the Lord will call us home. This is not to say that we should constantly be afraid that our time is near, but that we should simply live life to fullest while we have the chance.

Of course, it is so easy to say that this is what we should do, but it's something entirely different to actually do it, especially when we are held back by certain limitations like school, jobs, family responsibilities, or lack of resources. When you see a twenty-three year old put in a box to go underground, you realize that life is short. We should make do with what we have everyday, rather than constantly wish things were different. It is difficult learning how to do this, especially considering the fact that I grew up believing in fairy-tales, believing that if I closed my eyes and clicked my heels together three times, I would wind up where I wanted to be.

Reality check: that only happens in Oz.

In Ohio, you work for what you want. You take on part-time jobs you hate to make enough money to get where you want to be. You take on each day as if you were taking on an army. I learn a little more each day about how to live the life I have, rather than complain that I am not where I want to be. I probably learned more in the last week than I have in the last several months. I took on the task of painting a ceiling, like Michaelangelo (minus the various colors and intricate details, but still...it was my own--plain white--Sistine Chapel). I covered the walls with a "wisp of smoke" tint to compliment the new bedspreads my mom bought. I helped clear farmland by moving large logs, branches, and playing the literal version of pick up sticks. I sat by a fire and made new friends over songs played on banjos under the stars and a full moon. I transplanted beet and collard green sprouts to flats fit for a patchwork greenhouse. I did things I never thought I would do, and I forgot about my worries and my fears. I simply lived.

While I lived, I felt the life springing from the center of my being, the point where Christ lives in my heart. I went to visit Him at the tabernacle in church yesterday and I laid down all of my sorrows and fears, everything that I was worried and anxious about--the girl who died and a friend whose health I feared for. I gave them to Jesus and I said, "I want to trust You, but all of these things are getting in the way. Remind me of Your love." And He did, but it struck me in a new way. Last year, I needed to be reminded that He cares for me deeply, that I am His, first and forever. Now, after all the experiences that have strengthened me and caused me to grow in the last year, God reminded me that we are all His, first and forever. My classmate who passed away, my family and my friends, my coworkers, all of the people who are important to me--all belong to Him. Whether or not they know, and whether or not they care, they are His to give and His to take away. My worries about those I love make no difference, but my prayers provide peace for me and assurance to God that I am placing my trust in Him. My prayers then become a channel of His grace, and I become a channel of His love.

It is difficult to constantly see that what we have here is a gift. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily, routinely nothings, to take everything for granted. But contained in each day is the potential to change a life, to make a difference, to spark a smile. Each person we encounter wants to love and be loved. But so many of us are afraid. So many of us fear taking that risk and making ourselves vulnerable. So many of us hide away for fear of being hurt. So many of us fear our love being rejected. And let's face it--we do get hurt, we are rejected. We are human beings in a human world and our love has limitations. But the Good Lord loves us with an abiding, merciful love--a perfect love. He covers the gaps in our imperfection with His perfection. His love always wins. When our love isn't big enough, His is. It really is. When we accept that, we are free--from worry, fear, anxiety--to truly and simply live.

It's beautiful, really.

Tangled on the Battlefield

Shortly after I posted my entry "Seek Him First," a friend of mine told me she felt the same way, that she doesn't want to settle for less than the best in a relationship. But she also said that even though girls like us refuse to waste our time on a relationship that we know from the beginning won't go anywhere, a part of us still wants to waste that time. Which is so true. We hold onto this dream, but we don't want to settle for less. It's this inward battle we constantly fight with ourselves: the joy of being free versus the dread of being that witch with a b who turned a nice guy down; the freedom in finally being honest about your feelings versus the pain of losing a friend. It is a constant battle between the heart and mind, a tangled mess that no amount of brushing can mend.

When I took my six-year-old sister to see Disney's Tangled in the theater, there were moments when I felt like I was watching scenes from my own life. The film is a sweet and funny adventure story that portrays the tale of Rapunzel as she escapes her tower and ventures forth on a journey of self-discovery. I admit without shame that I loved it as much as (if not more than) my little sister did.

I have always been a sucker for Disney movies, especially its princesses. But unlike other princesses, Rapunzel isn't just a blonde girl trapped in a tower, weak and defenseless, waiting for her prince to save her. She is innocent and naive, but, armed with a frying pan, she takes charge of her destiny. Though she disobeys her "mother" to sneak out of her tower in search of an adventure, she finds herself battling conflicting feelings--the freedom of taking charge and being her own person versus the guilt of hurting her mother, the thrill of chasing after dreams versus the dullness of staying trapped in everyday reality. Fighting this battle and finding the balance is what makes us strong on our own journeys of self-discovery.

When Rapunzel breaks down the walls around her, she is able to discover more about the world and about herself. Her trust in the goodness of humanity and her refusal to express any fear inspires courage for the fight for good all around her, including in her thief escort, Flynn Rider. Her desire to be more and to have more than the confined space of her tower prison sent her on a journey in search of herself, and along the way she also finds love. The end of the film portrays not so much a happily ever after as it does the beginning of a new adventure, the search of a new dream.

This year I am breaking down the walls of "what ifs" and the feelings and fears that have held me back in the past. I am breaking free from these tangled chains and setting on a journey to find more and to be more than the damsel in distress I once was.

When the Saints Go Marching...

"It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provokes you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is he who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal." --Pope John Paul II

The saints understood that--they all seemed to emanate the love of Jesus by their lives and their words and actions. Everything they did, they did out of love for Him. We are all called to be saints, and the beauty is that we all can be. We cannot do it on our own, but by His grace. If we truly desire it, if we truly desire to arrive at that point where we emanate light, love, and truth, God's grace will do it for us. He will transform us into saints that spend happily ever after with Him. But it won't be easy.

None of the saints lived perfectly comfortable, blissful lives. They fought, they preached, they cared for the sick, they gave of themselves out of love. Pope John Paul II is not yet a saint, but his leadership of the Church changed many hearts and encouraged growth and unity among the people. Sometimes as we thirst for holiness, we lose faith, we have doubts, or we flat out want to quit. But it is important for us to remember that the saints struggled with the same doubts and fears and weariness that we go through. They were human, just like us. Yet they rose above their physical boundaries and marched forth, searching for the truth they desired, the love they knew would be the only thing that would satisfy them.

When we struggle or lose hope or tire of our own failings, we can look to the saints for guidance. With the grace of God, they were able to keep marching on through the hardships. Despite discouragement, heartache, pain, fear, and doubt, they kept marching to His heartbeat. If we do the same, if we all continue to march in this way to sainthood, the world will have its happily ever after.

Breaking Down the Dream

"Woe to the complacent..." The words struck me at Mass today. The theme of all the readings was a call to action. It seemed that a passionate homily should follow, something that would inspire me into action. Instead, two men stood up to talk for Stewardship Sunday. The first one spoke about the parish budget. He assured us that the parish is financially stable, and that we can finally start raising money for the playground "we have wanted for years." Really?

I have been thinking lately about how comfortable my life has been. I have always had everything I needed and more. Food, shelter, education, a loving family. For a long time, I complained about not having the one thing I wanted most--the love of a man. When I saw the negative implications of this dream and the unhealthy mindset, I woke myself up. I have come a long way, but now I see that that was only a dream within a dream. My whole life has been a dream, a false security. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful for the life I was born into and the many blessings I have received. But now that I am fairly grown up, I can see that it is no longer enough.

Every once in awhile on retreats or at spiritual gatherings, I felt a fire, a burning passion inside me. But the mundane, lukewarm routine of my life always seemed to douse the flame down to a tiny flicker, part of the natural course of spiritual highs and lows. The flicker remains, a tiny burst of thirst inside of me that can never be quenched, even in my deepest sleep. I want to make a change in the world, but how?

My mother in all her wit always says jokingly, "Who cares about apathy anyway?" I think her joke has truth in it, though. More and more these days I see people care about their nice homes, their yards, the playgrounds at their children's schools, even celebrity gossip. But no one seems to care that there is no passion. No one cares that we live lifestyles of apathy to the world's needs. Death is merely a far off inevitability. We do everything in our power to prolong our dreaming lives. We live in security, taking no real risks for the good of our souls. We press snooze: "Yes, I should stop watching this TV show because it makes a mockery of everything I believe in, but I want to see what happens in the next episode...and the next episode...and the next season..." "Yes, I should get out of this unhealthy relationship, but then I'll be alone..."

The Church is even at a standstill, full of complacent people who "don't need God" because they have everything necessary for a comfortable life. Church has become an obligation, rather than a passion. Last weekend, I went to a Matt Maher/Tenth Avenue North concert, shortly after finishing Francis Chan's book Crazy Love. I found more passion and heard more truth at that concert and in that book than I have in years at my home parish. They spoke of faith in a positive way. We shouldn't do things to avoid hell or to achieve heaven, but because we want to out of love for God. The tiny flicker in my heart began burning brighter.

Life is short, and I don't want to spend what I have left of it wasting away on Facebook or withering away in front of the TV. I want everything I do to be for the glory of God. I want to live a life of crazy love. I cannot be complacent knowing that women my age and younger are being sold into prostitution. I cannot be complacent knowing that 4,000 babies are murdered in the U.S. daily. I cannot be complacent knowing that God died for me so that I can be saved from the sinful life I have been leading: “If we come to the point of comprehending that we are loved to a supreme, unimaginable degree, unto silent, gratuitous, cruel death, to the point of total immolation by Him whom we do not even know, or if we have known Him, whom we have denied and offended; if we come to the point of comprehending that we are the objects of such a love, of so great a love, we cannot remain complacent…” I Believe in Love.

When God Writes Your Love Story

As you may have noticed, I have recently been struggling with boy-craziness/crushes. I blame this on the fact that I am trying to figure out the rest of my life and I had always hoped that a young man would be by my side during all of it. Clearly, that is not God's will for me right now, but I have been trying to take the pen out of His hand. I scribble down my own dreams and say, "See, this would be cute, wouldn't it?" He never seems to agree....

My mom once asked me when I was freaking out about several different guys at once, "Don't you think God already knows who you're going to marry?"

I stopped and realized that yes, God already has someone in mind for me. "Well, yeah."

Mom said bluntly,"Well, then don't you think He wants you to shut up?"

I always think about that when I begin to get boy-crazy or get a crush. But I still can't help but wonder when a boy comes along, "Could this be him?"

A few years ago, my mom handed me a book called, When God Writes Your Love Story. I recall reading the title and telling her, "Yeah, He is writing it, and it's boring," then tossing the book bitterly to the back of my closet. The title caught my eye recently as I cleaned out twenty-three years worth of collected junk from my closet. This time, because of all that I have learned and experienced in the last few years, I was intrigued, excited, giddy: isn't this exactly what the idea behind my blog is? Letting God write the story, and letting Him live in our hearts?

I was excited to begin reading, but I was busy helping one of my best friends prepare for her wedding, which took place this past weekend. As a bridesmaid, I helped fold programs, alphabetize place cards, make her laugh, etc. The day was so full of love and fun that I got caught up in the romance. I formed a few crushes, actually. The next day, we became Facebook friends and moved on with our separate lives, but I could not get them out of my head, and I actually began to lose hope in love because I figured that these would end like every other crush: in nothing. Between constant Facebook checks, I finally began reading the book by married couple Eric and Leslie Ludy.

The book provides a beautiful and perfect depiction of the kind of relationships and romance that God wants for us. God desires us to trust in Him, to hold out for the One He has chosen, to let Him write our love stories. This doesn't mean sitting by idly waiting for Prince Charming to show up with our missing shoe--that's boring. It means actively growing closer to God, letting Him love us, forgive us, and form us according to His will. It means putting God, the Author of romance, back in the center of our lives. Basically, the book said everything that I ever wanted to say in this blog, everything I wanted my thesis to become, everything I want to live. Now I am more consciously aware of the way God has been working in my heart and writing the pages and chapters of my life, ever since I was a silly little first grader, drawing with my crayons, dreaming of my future, and writing down my plans. I want to continue to grow, to love, to be who He created me to be.

More than anything, I do not ever want to lose hope in love again. I have come to see that even when I fall, God always saves me from losing myself in the boy-crazy mindset. And even though no crush ends in a relationship, these souls are added to my list of instrumental people along my journey, and I pray for them daily! I know that I will fall again at some point, but I also know that God is in control. I consciously gave Him the pen to my story about two and a half years ago, and even though I try to sneak the pen away from Him sometimes, He holds on tight. In the meantime, I must learn to seek His will everyday, to love and give, to hold on to hope in love. At times, it will be hard and lonely, but in the end, even if He does not have an earthly romance in store for me, the divine romance in heaven will be gloriously lovely.

Read the book!

The Lonely Life of a Single Grain

"Unless a grain of wheat falls on the ground and dies, it remains but a single grain with no life."

The single grain cannot embrace the Farmer's will. She recognizes His power, but she fears following Him into the field. She fears death. She has her own ideas and dreams for her life--pretty, happy, safe. While she sits with her dreams, she is lonely. She is stuck inside of herself. All that is within her longs to be free, to live. But she holds back, keeping it for herself and using it to fuel her dreams. She knows that she cannot live in her dreams forever, but she sees no escape.

The years go by and she watches her friends begin to follow the farmer, two by two. The Farmer beckons to her, "Come, follow me." The single grain hesitates. She watches her friends pair off as they enter the field. She tells the Farmer about her dreams, that she wants to follow Him but she does not want to go without someone to walk with. He tells her gently, "Walk with Me." She stumbles along the way and He picks her up. She fits securely in the palm of His hand. He tells her of His love, that He desires her to be happy. "I know the plans I have for you," He says. "Plans for good and not for harm, plans to give you a future filled with hope."

"But you said we must first fall on the ground and die," the single grain whispers.

The Farmer nods. "Yes, you will fall. And there will be pain, but the pain will fertilize the soil. From this, I will give you a new life. You will no longer be a single grain, but part of a field of beautiful, golden wheat. I will not abandon you, but will nurture you until you are ready for the harvest."

They reach the field and the Farmer asks her, "Are you ready?" Keeping her eyes on Him, she nods. Rather than drop her, He sets her gently on the ground. Suddenly, she sees all of her dreams in front of her, but she can no longer hold onto them. They slip away from her and are replaced for a time with a great sense of pain and loss. She cries, but the sun dries her face and warms the cold pieces of her heart. The rain cleanses her of her old life as a lonely, single grain. Then one day, she looks around and notices that she is a new creation, part of a larger, golden wheat plant. She is no longer alone. She joins the rest of the wheat field in waving in the breeze, praising the Farmer for keeping His promise as they wait for the harvest.

* * *

Today is the feast day of St. Irenaeus who said, "The glory of God is man fully alive." When we give God our desires and allow Him to work through our weaknesses, His glory is made manifest and we are made more alive. As single grains, we can do nothing, but with God, we can do all things.

I thirst.

As my thesis consumes my life, I find myself able only to think of vampire jokes (I'm writing a Catholic woman's perspective on the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer). I am going a little bit crazy inside this fantasy world, and I cannot wait to turn the paper in and escape back into reality!

Here is the irony of my life: I have been struggling to find a good intro, something from which the rest of my paper may flow. I am focusing on dreams and realities, and how the ultimate dream is to have eternal life, happily ever after with the One True Love. For a week I have been struggling to put my 20 pages of notes into coherent order. Today, I sat looking at a crucifix, telling God to speak through me. That's when I heard Jesus' last words whisper in my heart: "I thirst."

Duh.

I remembered a story I began to write in high school. It was a story based on my life, but I intended to make it more interesting. But it was the story of a girl seeking truth and love. I entitled it: "I Thirst: The story of a dry-cleaner's daughter." Of course, I thought the title was hilariously ironic because of its profound truth in my life. And suddenly, remembering that desire for truth and love at the age of seventeen made everything click together for me.

It makes sense: vampires thirst for blood, girls thirst for love, Jesus thirsts for us. Anyway, I have about 25 pages to write concerning all of this thirstiness. I just thought I'd share the revelation, as a little something to reflect on.

Love, love, love.

Happily Ever After

These past few weeks have been crazy-busy with spring break and household retreat with the Little Flowers, as well as beginning to focus more on my thesis (due in one month...). Even in the craziness, God has been working steadily in my heart, continuing to transform it from a girl's to that of a woman.

While researching for my thesis (I'm writing a Catholic's guide to the Twilight series, weeding out both the positive and negative aspects as they apply to teenage girls), I stumbled on an excellent article by Laura Miller ("Touched by a vampire"). She writes: "Some things, it seems, are even harder to kill than vampires. The traditional feminine fantasy of being delivered from obscurity by a dazzling, powerful man, of needing to do no more to prove or find yourself than win his devotion, of being guarded from all life's vicissitudes by his boundless strength and wealth--all this turns out to be a difficult dream to leave behind."

Indeed, it is difficult to leave such a dream behind. I used to wonder if it were even necessary. Yes, I understood that my life would not end like a Jane Austen novel. But I still let myself become consumed with romantic ideals found in novels, songs, and movies. It was all I dreamed of--to sit still and wait until a man came who loved me and would vow to love me forever. Like I mentioned in previous posts, I let myself practically drown in this dream, projecting these romantic ideals into situations where they did not belong. It was like I was living in "snooze" mode in a feeble attempt to catch another small glimpse of my dream. I refused to wake up and begin the rest of my life. But, as on spring break when our alarm every morning (thanks to my lovely household sister) was, Enrique Iglesias whispering, "I can be your hero...," God finally woke me up from my fantasy world by reminding me, "You are mine, first and forever." He showed me that I could have something far greater than a romance like Pride and Prejudice: a divine romance. Jesus wants to be the hero of your heart!

Heaven should be our ultimate goal, because only with God can we be completely satisfied. On earth, we will always encounter some sort of sorrow or heartache. This is why, God showed me, it is important to let go of earthly desires. When we seek only Him, He shares with us the most beautiful romance, because only in heaven will we find happily ever after....

*song of the day: "Divine Romance," Phil Wickham

Where the Wild Rose Blooms....

One of my favorite images that Immaculee used to tell her story is that of planting seeds. My mom would always talk about that when I was growing up. Whenever I was made fun of or looked down upon for standing up for my beliefs, she would remind me, "You're just planting seeds. God will make them grow in His own time. You just have to trust in Him."

Trust. Isn't that one of the hardest things for us as humans, to give ourselves over in total surrender to God? And yet, it is the most important. In my experience that I wrote about in my first post, "The Single Purpose," I struggled a lot with the why. Why did God let this happen? I had prayed to Him to keep me from falling again, to keep my head above water so that I wouldn't drown in my dreams. I wanted to keep a firm grip on reality, and I prayed to Him for that. But I still fell. I couldn't understand why. I have never believed in unanswered prayers. I believe that God will sometimes tell us "No" in answer, but He never just leaves us hanging. So this was a particularly difficult one to grasp. I had asked God to prevent me from falling--something I know He was capable of doing. And yet, He allowed me to fall. Why?

I sought the answer. I decided to allow a small group of people pray with me about this. I had a void in my heart where my friend used to be, and I had been asking God to fill it, but I still felt so empty. The people told me that God is the Father, and sometimes He allows His children to suffer loneliness to remind them of heaven. This pain does not exist there, and all we need in order to get there is Him. Even if we can't see the earthly purpose for this pain, we have to trust that there is a purpose. Then they described the heart as a garden: Your heart is a garden, full of beautiful flowers of every kind--these are the things about you that make you beautiful. But there is still a plot that is only soil--this is the void you feel. To you, it is only a patch of dirt. You want something to grow here, but God is still preparing it. He is using your pain to fertilize the seeds beneath the soil, so that when the time comes, it will be the most fruitful and the most beautiful. You only need to ask God to come and fill this soil, to let Him shine His light and shower His graces on the soil. It is here that the wild rose will bloom!

I had so much peace after that, but there was still something I wasn't getting. About a week later, in the quiet of the night, I begged God for peace. I told Him that I understood there must be a purpose for this pain, that I knew He would make something beautiful grow there, but I was still so confused about why it had to happen the way it did. In that desperate hour, He allowed my heart to see. "You are Mine," He whispered. I cried and told Him, "I know, yes, I am Yours!" And then He said, "You would not trust Me." And there it was. Everything fell into place. I had presented Him with my desire for love, marriage, a family. He had told me I would have these things, but not yet. He wanted me to remain with Him on the beach a little while longer, but I was ready to plunge right in the crashing waves. I had said, like a spoiled, selfish child, "I want this, and I want it now." I could not give Him that trust that He wanted. I could not understand why He wanted me to wait when I was content to just settle down right then. But He said to me that night, "I have more for you."

There is so much joy, peace, and freedom in believing and trusting that the Lord has greater plans for us than we have for ourselves. It does not eliminate the pain, but it makes it bearable. Just as our love for God makes His pain on the cross bearable. When we embrace our crosses as He embraced His, we comfort Him, giving Him a purpose for the pain. A perfect prayer to say throughout the day when you begin to feel hopelessness creep in: "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24).

Also, I am surprised this hasn't come out yet, but I am a huge music buff. My dad always had a song for every occasion, so I suppose I got my passion for it from him. So, I will often have songs and lyrics to share with you. For this particular post, there is a beautiful Matt Maher song that I recently discovered that corresponds with this called "You Were On The Cross." He sings, "Where were You when all that I dreamed came crashing down in shambles around me? You were on the cross." I encourage you to look up the song! It really says everything!

Jesus, I trust in You!

The Single Purpose

True love. We look for it in all the wrong places. We grow up hearing fairytales, desiring to be the girl who gets the prince. We dream and wait, praying to God to send him now, to end our loneliness and dry our tears, so that we may begin happily ever after. We even let ourselves settle for less than the best because we just get so tired of waiting, and the ache of loneliness becomes unbearable. We ask God, “Well, where is he? I am happy for my friends who have found love, but where is my Prince Charming?” All you ladies who have ever wondered where he is, this blog’s for you. For some of us, it is our vocation right now to be single women of God. Be single with purpose. Stop settling for less than God’s will for you.

I am one of you, and have been my whole life—22 (almost 23) years. Ever since I was a little girl who first believed in fairytales, my greatest desire has been to fall in love, get married, and have a family. So set was I on this desire, that I found myself constantly blurring the line between my dreams and reality. I lived in my own world, where the boy—a friend that I cared deeply about—just needed to grow up and mature a little bit before we could begin our happily ever after. I knew this couldn’t be right, but I held onto the dream, afraid that if I let him go, there’d be no one else. Eventually, I had fallen so far that I was drowning in my dreams. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I said goodbye to my friend. It hurt more than anything I have ever experienced, and I am afraid I hurt him, but I just wasn’t strong enough to be his friend anymore.

After four of the most painful months of my life, God graced me with clarity and understanding. He showed me that the reason I wasn't strong enough was because I was clinging to my own will and relying on my own strength. In the quiet of the night, He—True Love Himself!— whispered to me, “You are Mine.” Suddenly, I saw myself as a five-year-old again, coming home from summer Bible school and telling my mom, “I stood on a rock and I gave my life to Jesus!” I realized in that moment that that is at the center of my very being: I am His, first and forever.

We are His, First and Forever.