Seek Him First

On my sixteenth birthday, my parents gave me a purity ring. It was a gold band with two gold links on either side connected to a larger silver link, in which is set a tiny diamond. My parents explained to me that the larger middle link represents God, and the two smaller links on either side represent me and my future husband. It symbolizes how God must always be at the center, that our hearts should first draw closer to His, and then through Him, closer to each other. Like that Maya Angelou quote: "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her." I believe that. And I knew that the message my parents gave me with this ring was so much more than telling me I shouldn't have sex before marriage. To me, it represented letting God be in charge of my whole love story.

When I got to college, I soon found that I was the only single girl among my group of friends, which I admit, I complained about. So when a guy showed interest in me, even though I didn't share the interest, some of my friends encouraged me to just "date him and get over it." I love my friends, but what does that even mean? Date him and get over it? Date a guy you don't care about and stop complaining about being single? I didn't want to have to date someone just because I was tired of being single. So I didn't. But it was then that I unknowingly began to play the game of love. I began to flirt and drink and ignore the growing feelings in my heart that maybe this wasn't the best way.

Even though I never actually had a romantic relationship and only ever went on a few dates, I played my heart out by investing my emotions on the illusions at stake. All my friends who had boyfriends would tell me how lucky I was to be single, to get to do whatever I wanted. They seemed to think it was fun to play the game where the goal is to enjoy the illusion without getting hurt. And sometimes I thought I believed them. I thought I enjoyed playing along, pretending that my heart was not invested too deeply in any one person. But when I could pretend no longer, when the truth shouted at me from the cracks in my aching heart, I knew I had lost. I took off the mask I had been wearing and looked in the mirror, beginning the long process of finding myself again.

I still wonder sometimes "what if" I had just dated one of those guys for the sake of dating someone. People definitely tend to look at me funny when I tell them I'm not into the dating thing and I've never kissed anyone. They ask how I expect to find anyone without dating, and they sometimes seem to think that I think I am better than they are. Of course I am no better than anyone else. I just want more. I want more than an illusion, more than a game, more than an "experiment." I want more than to settle for the first thing that comes along. I want more than to sit and wait for someone to grow up and figure out what's really important. I want to be someone.

The whole reason I began this blog was to recommit myself to trusting God in this way, trusting Him with my whole heart, and with my whole love story. I made that commitment almost eight years ago when I put that purity ring on my finger. I am still single, but I am single with a purpose. I want more for myself than flirting and casually dating, and more than sitting around and waiting for my other glass slipper. I want to become the woman God created me to be.

When God Writes Your Love Story

As you may have noticed, I have recently been struggling with boy-craziness/crushes. I blame this on the fact that I am trying to figure out the rest of my life and I had always hoped that a young man would be by my side during all of it. Clearly, that is not God's will for me right now, but I have been trying to take the pen out of His hand. I scribble down my own dreams and say, "See, this would be cute, wouldn't it?" He never seems to agree....

My mom once asked me when I was freaking out about several different guys at once, "Don't you think God already knows who you're going to marry?"

I stopped and realized that yes, God already has someone in mind for me. "Well, yeah."

Mom said bluntly,"Well, then don't you think He wants you to shut up?"

I always think about that when I begin to get boy-crazy or get a crush. But I still can't help but wonder when a boy comes along, "Could this be him?"

A few years ago, my mom handed me a book called, When God Writes Your Love Story. I recall reading the title and telling her, "Yeah, He is writing it, and it's boring," then tossing the book bitterly to the back of my closet. The title caught my eye recently as I cleaned out twenty-three years worth of collected junk from my closet. This time, because of all that I have learned and experienced in the last few years, I was intrigued, excited, giddy: isn't this exactly what the idea behind my blog is? Letting God write the story, and letting Him live in our hearts?

I was excited to begin reading, but I was busy helping one of my best friends prepare for her wedding, which took place this past weekend. As a bridesmaid, I helped fold programs, alphabetize place cards, make her laugh, etc. The day was so full of love and fun that I got caught up in the romance. I formed a few crushes, actually. The next day, we became Facebook friends and moved on with our separate lives, but I could not get them out of my head, and I actually began to lose hope in love because I figured that these would end like every other crush: in nothing. Between constant Facebook checks, I finally began reading the book by married couple Eric and Leslie Ludy.

The book provides a beautiful and perfect depiction of the kind of relationships and romance that God wants for us. God desires us to trust in Him, to hold out for the One He has chosen, to let Him write our love stories. This doesn't mean sitting by idly waiting for Prince Charming to show up with our missing shoe--that's boring. It means actively growing closer to God, letting Him love us, forgive us, and form us according to His will. It means putting God, the Author of romance, back in the center of our lives. Basically, the book said everything that I ever wanted to say in this blog, everything I wanted my thesis to become, everything I want to live. Now I am more consciously aware of the way God has been working in my heart and writing the pages and chapters of my life, ever since I was a silly little first grader, drawing with my crayons, dreaming of my future, and writing down my plans. I want to continue to grow, to love, to be who He created me to be.

More than anything, I do not ever want to lose hope in love again. I have come to see that even when I fall, God always saves me from losing myself in the boy-crazy mindset. And even though no crush ends in a relationship, these souls are added to my list of instrumental people along my journey, and I pray for them daily! I know that I will fall again at some point, but I also know that God is in control. I consciously gave Him the pen to my story about two and a half years ago, and even though I try to sneak the pen away from Him sometimes, He holds on tight. In the meantime, I must learn to seek His will everyday, to love and give, to hold on to hope in love. At times, it will be hard and lonely, but in the end, even if He does not have an earthly romance in store for me, the divine romance in heaven will be gloriously lovely.

Read the book!