In Suspense and Incomplete

When I began this blog a little over a year ago, it was intended to be a blog for young single women. As one of those girls who had never been in a relationship, I was tired of people who weren't single telling me, "Someday it'll happen to you. When you least expect it, the perfect guy will find you." Easy for them to say, I thought. I was tired of constantly looking ahead and wishing my life away, waiting for Someday to get here. I wanted to start living in the present, to accept myself for who I was "in suspense and incomplete." I wanted to learn how to live with a "single purpose," of coming to know myself better as a woman of God, so that when Someday comes, I will be ready. I wanted to share that journey with other girls like me, who had maybe been looking for themselves in all the wrong places. I wanted to stop pining for Mr. Right, so I set off on a journey.

The journey I have described in these posts has been my own journey of self-discovery in my singleness. Single with purpose. It was here that I wrote of the spiritual, the quirky, the inspiring, the passionate, the whatever-happened-to-be-on-my-mind-at-the-time. Each post I wrote taught me a little something about myself. Most especially, I came to realize that when I had reached a fork in the road, I heard Jesus whisper to me in the night, "You are mine, first and forever." He asked me to trust Him, so I took His hand. But as I followed Him down the road, I felt my heart breaking in ways I hadn't known possible. I kept looking back at what could have been down the other road, at the dreams that I still held onto. Looking back caused me to stumble and fall into deep holes along the way, but He always came back and picked me up, brushed me off, wiped away my tears. Together, we slowly picked up the pieces of my broken heart and broken dreams. Now, as I described in my previous post, I have found my way back home. He has mended the pieces of my heart and given me new dreams. Now I stand stronger and wiser, a woman rooted deeply in the heart of Christ.

From the beginning, I knew that I wanted to continue writing here only as long as I was single (I didn't want to become a 'Someday it will happen to you!' pep-talker.), but now that I have come to a place of such peace in my vocation, a place where new dreams have come alive in my heart, I find that I cannot continue writing here. It has been a lovely journey, made lovelier by all the positive comments I have received from you lovely readers! But I believe this is where this particular journey ends...the next one is only just beginning.

Off I go...

His Grace is enough. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

The Way the Cookie Crumbled

Thanks to an incredible retreat I attended and the beautiful yellow roses my super awesome roommate surprised me with, I had a great Valentine's day last year (read about my experience in the post "Candy Hearts" from last March). It pretty much transformed my heart. It reminded me that the center and source of all love is not in any guy that might come along, but in the Sacred Heart of Jesus in the Eucharist. He gives His Heart to us at Mass everyday if we are willing and able to accept it. Everyday is Valentine's Day in the Catholic Church, when we are reminded of His incredible Love for us.

Remembering how much love I received last year on this day, I decided to make heart-shaped cookies as little gifts for a few people. This endeavor turned out to be an epic failure in the form of a pile of crumbled cookie with an odd cake-like texture. Even the dark chocolate M&Ms failed to redeem these miserable wafers. But I was able to see in my crumbled mess how utterly imperfect my human love is. My experiences in the last year really showed me that my love is not enough to change a heart. Only when I first embrace the Love that Christ has for me, for the Church, for the world, only when He increases and I decrease, can His love move through me and reach others. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).

I used to refer to this holiday as Single's Awareness Day, but it seems that this year it is the exact opposite. I am more aware now than ever that I am never alone, nor can I ever truly love anyone on my own. Christ is there waiting for me to accept His Heart, not just today but everyday. If I think for a second that I can do it alone, I'll end up with another pile of crumbled cookie. And honestly, nobody wants to eat that.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Tangled on the Battlefield

Shortly after I posted my entry "Seek Him First," a friend of mine told me she felt the same way, that she doesn't want to settle for less than the best in a relationship. But she also said that even though girls like us refuse to waste our time on a relationship that we know from the beginning won't go anywhere, a part of us still wants to waste that time. Which is so true. We hold onto this dream, but we don't want to settle for less. It's this inward battle we constantly fight with ourselves: the joy of being free versus the dread of being that witch with a b who turned a nice guy down; the freedom in finally being honest about your feelings versus the pain of losing a friend. It is a constant battle between the heart and mind, a tangled mess that no amount of brushing can mend.

When I took my six-year-old sister to see Disney's Tangled in the theater, there were moments when I felt like I was watching scenes from my own life. The film is a sweet and funny adventure story that portrays the tale of Rapunzel as she escapes her tower and ventures forth on a journey of self-discovery. I admit without shame that I loved it as much as (if not more than) my little sister did.

I have always been a sucker for Disney movies, especially its princesses. But unlike other princesses, Rapunzel isn't just a blonde girl trapped in a tower, weak and defenseless, waiting for her prince to save her. She is innocent and naive, but, armed with a frying pan, she takes charge of her destiny. Though she disobeys her "mother" to sneak out of her tower in search of an adventure, she finds herself battling conflicting feelings--the freedom of taking charge and being her own person versus the guilt of hurting her mother, the thrill of chasing after dreams versus the dullness of staying trapped in everyday reality. Fighting this battle and finding the balance is what makes us strong on our own journeys of self-discovery.

When Rapunzel breaks down the walls around her, she is able to discover more about the world and about herself. Her trust in the goodness of humanity and her refusal to express any fear inspires courage for the fight for good all around her, including in her thief escort, Flynn Rider. Her desire to be more and to have more than the confined space of her tower prison sent her on a journey in search of herself, and along the way she also finds love. The end of the film portrays not so much a happily ever after as it does the beginning of a new adventure, the search of a new dream.

This year I am breaking down the walls of "what ifs" and the feelings and fears that have held me back in the past. I am breaking free from these tangled chains and setting on a journey to find more and to be more than the damsel in distress I once was.

Seek Him First

On my sixteenth birthday, my parents gave me a purity ring. It was a gold band with two gold links on either side connected to a larger silver link, in which is set a tiny diamond. My parents explained to me that the larger middle link represents God, and the two smaller links on either side represent me and my future husband. It symbolizes how God must always be at the center, that our hearts should first draw closer to His, and then through Him, closer to each other. Like that Maya Angelou quote: "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her." I believe that. And I knew that the message my parents gave me with this ring was so much more than telling me I shouldn't have sex before marriage. To me, it represented letting God be in charge of my whole love story.

When I got to college, I soon found that I was the only single girl among my group of friends, which I admit, I complained about. So when a guy showed interest in me, even though I didn't share the interest, some of my friends encouraged me to just "date him and get over it." I love my friends, but what does that even mean? Date him and get over it? Date a guy you don't care about and stop complaining about being single? I didn't want to have to date someone just because I was tired of being single. So I didn't. But it was then that I unknowingly began to play the game of love. I began to flirt and drink and ignore the growing feelings in my heart that maybe this wasn't the best way.

Even though I never actually had a romantic relationship and only ever went on a few dates, I played my heart out by investing my emotions on the illusions at stake. All my friends who had boyfriends would tell me how lucky I was to be single, to get to do whatever I wanted. They seemed to think it was fun to play the game where the goal is to enjoy the illusion without getting hurt. And sometimes I thought I believed them. I thought I enjoyed playing along, pretending that my heart was not invested too deeply in any one person. But when I could pretend no longer, when the truth shouted at me from the cracks in my aching heart, I knew I had lost. I took off the mask I had been wearing and looked in the mirror, beginning the long process of finding myself again.

I still wonder sometimes "what if" I had just dated one of those guys for the sake of dating someone. People definitely tend to look at me funny when I tell them I'm not into the dating thing and I've never kissed anyone. They ask how I expect to find anyone without dating, and they sometimes seem to think that I think I am better than they are. Of course I am no better than anyone else. I just want more. I want more than an illusion, more than a game, more than an "experiment." I want more than to settle for the first thing that comes along. I want more than to sit and wait for someone to grow up and figure out what's really important. I want to be someone.

The whole reason I began this blog was to recommit myself to trusting God in this way, trusting Him with my whole heart, and with my whole love story. I made that commitment almost eight years ago when I put that purity ring on my finger. I am still single, but I am single with a purpose. I want more for myself than flirting and casually dating, and more than sitting around and waiting for my other glass slipper. I want to become the woman God created me to be.

The Lonely Life of a Single Grain

"Unless a grain of wheat falls on the ground and dies, it remains but a single grain with no life."

The single grain cannot embrace the Farmer's will. She recognizes His power, but she fears following Him into the field. She fears death. She has her own ideas and dreams for her life--pretty, happy, safe. While she sits with her dreams, she is lonely. She is stuck inside of herself. All that is within her longs to be free, to live. But she holds back, keeping it for herself and using it to fuel her dreams. She knows that she cannot live in her dreams forever, but she sees no escape.

The years go by and she watches her friends begin to follow the farmer, two by two. The Farmer beckons to her, "Come, follow me." The single grain hesitates. She watches her friends pair off as they enter the field. She tells the Farmer about her dreams, that she wants to follow Him but she does not want to go without someone to walk with. He tells her gently, "Walk with Me." She stumbles along the way and He picks her up. She fits securely in the palm of His hand. He tells her of His love, that He desires her to be happy. "I know the plans I have for you," He says. "Plans for good and not for harm, plans to give you a future filled with hope."

"But you said we must first fall on the ground and die," the single grain whispers.

The Farmer nods. "Yes, you will fall. And there will be pain, but the pain will fertilize the soil. From this, I will give you a new life. You will no longer be a single grain, but part of a field of beautiful, golden wheat. I will not abandon you, but will nurture you until you are ready for the harvest."

They reach the field and the Farmer asks her, "Are you ready?" Keeping her eyes on Him, she nods. Rather than drop her, He sets her gently on the ground. Suddenly, she sees all of her dreams in front of her, but she can no longer hold onto them. They slip away from her and are replaced for a time with a great sense of pain and loss. She cries, but the sun dries her face and warms the cold pieces of her heart. The rain cleanses her of her old life as a lonely, single grain. Then one day, she looks around and notices that she is a new creation, part of a larger, golden wheat plant. She is no longer alone. She joins the rest of the wheat field in waving in the breeze, praising the Farmer for keeping His promise as they wait for the harvest.

* * *

Today is the feast day of St. Irenaeus who said, "The glory of God is man fully alive." When we give God our desires and allow Him to work through our weaknesses, His glory is made manifest and we are made more alive. As single grains, we can do nothing, but with God, we can do all things.

Little flowers need rain as much as sunshine.

Crushes are so irritating. These thorns in your side sneak up on you when you least suspect it and there's often nothing you can do to stop thinking about that certain guy. Even in my twenties, I fall back into this vicious cycle of wondering about guys who are practically strangers: "Could this cute, holy guy be the One?" I pray and beg God to take these obnoxious thoughts away. Why do I keep thinking about a guy whose name I don't even know? Seriously. It's ridiculous.

Or is it? I often fall for guys and they distract me, making me lose my focus. But they certainly make me pray more! And looking back, God has used this weakness of mine in huge ways to bring me closer to Him, to teach me about myself, and even to show me His will. From these thorns bloom the most beautiful roses.

One of my household sisters texted me this passage yesterday:

"And to keep me from being too elated by the abundance of revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it should leave me; but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

St. Therese talks about this a lot, about our weaknesses being good in that they bring us closer to God. If we had no weaknesses, we would have no need of Him. But weakness causes us to rely on Him and increases our trust in Him. He uses this trust to perform miracles, to move mountains in the hearts of men. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, crushes, separations, and loneliness; for when I am weak, then I am strong. I admit I still haven't found a way to get rid of silly crushes, but as I think my silly thoughts, I look to God and tell Him I can't do it alone. He usually shines some light on the situation, allowing me a small revelation that teaches me to love better. Eventually I get over it and life goes on, a little bit more joyful than before. I am also a little bit more me than before.

His grace falls like rain to make the little flowers grow.

The Next Chapter

As I begin a new chapter in my life, I thought it would only be fitting to give this page a new look. Also, I began this blog as an outlet while I made my journey to embrace my current vocation as a single woman of God. In these last few weeks, I could never think of anything to write here when I sat down to the computer. I realized the reason is that I no longer feel single. I just feel like me. My relationship status no longer defines me. Rather, I am defined by the love that God has written and the story He continues to write in my heart.

With only one more class to go in my college career, I can feel the mystery and almost taste the looming adventure before me. I had three glorious days off school this weekend, and I spent the time catching up on some reading. The books I read were about a girl who was about to graduate from college and did not know what God wanted her to do with her life. She continued to love God and trust in Him, then ended up setting off on what would perhaps be the greatest adventure of her life.

Of course, I have learned my lesson in not comparing my life to those of fictional characters, but there is always a certain amount of truth to be found in fiction (and more so in Christian/inspirational fiction!). The stories lifted my spirits in hope for what is to come. What God has planned for each of us is always much greater than what we have planned for ourselves. We just have to give Him the pen and open the book of our hearts so that He may fill the pages.

[The books I mentioned were part of the Katie Weldon series by Robin Jones Gunn. She also wrote the older Christy Miller series--a favorite of my teenage years! Check it out!]

In This 23rd Beautiful Year

I just had my 23rd birthday. College graduation is in two days. Whenever I imagined these days coming, I assumed there would be a man with me through it all. My mom had me when she was 23. My older sister got married when she was 23. It made sense to me that there would be someone in my life when I was 23, someone who held some small hope or promise for the future.

Thinking along those lines always made my future seem more secure. I lived a normal, straightforward life up until I left for college: stable home life, Catholic grade school, Catholic high school, worked part time at the family business. I was heading off to the same Catholic college that my older siblings attended. It only seemed natural that I would find a nice Catholic boy and settle down. Wouldn't that be nice?

I think even then, in a small corner of my heart, I heard God chuckling at my plans.

I feared that chuckle, that other path He was planning for my life. I let satan's lies make me feel insecure about my relationship status, even with my family. I thought there must be something wrong with me since I had never brought a boy home to meet the fam. It wasn't until recently, when God reminded me that I am His, first and forever, I realized that as much as I admire them and wish to be like them, I am not my mom or my sister.

I am me.

I think that was the moment I realized I have no idea who I am. I always focused so much on what I wanted and what I didn't have that I didn't take the opportunity to enjoy what I do have. God has made me uniquely beautiful and He has a specific purpose for me, for my life, for my heart. He has much greater plans than I had for myself. Not to say that they are greater plans than those He has for my mom and my sister--they're just different.

Now I am about to graduate, single, unattached, free as a little bird. I can fly wherever the wind takes me and wherever God wants me.

Ah! what joy and peace!

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Girls' Night.

There was a time in my life when every night was a girls' night for me. My friends and I would order too much pizza and watch Breakfast at Tiffany's or 13 Going On 30. They would discuss their relationships, and each be texting their boyfriends at some point during the night; I would glance at my blank phone before shoveling more pizza in my face. Those were the days when all I wanted was a boyfriend. Not just because I was sick of being the third wheel, or the fifth wheel, or the seventh wheel. No, what I really wanted was an incentive to stop eating so much pizza, a face to look forward to seeing everyday (one that would also be happy to see me), an escape from the endless nights of all girls, an "In a Relationship With: [insert name here]" to replace the "Single" status on Facebook. But mostly, security--the promise of the future, hope that I would not end up alone.

Praise God those days are gone. Yes, most nights end up being girls' nights. But these are the kind that make me feel good to be a woman, the kind with glasses of wine and a classic Jane Austen story in BBC form. These provoke conversations and reflections on life and love, arguments over who gets Mr. Knightley and who gets Mr. Darcy, and jokes about who will get stuck with old Mr. Weston. And these conversations and reflections later lead my heart to God when I tell Him, "I know that you have something beautiful for me. I know that it is more uniquely beautiful to me than anything Jane Austen has ever written, because while she knows what a woman's heart longs for, only You know what will satisfy it." He pulls me closer in His arms and promises not to let go.

And praise God for the women in my life: the mother, sisters, roommates, friends, cousins, aunts, grandmothers, and household that He has blessed me with have been beautiful examples of womanhood to me. I value their presence in my life more now than ever and do not know what I would do without them. Soon enough God will send my own Mr. Knightley and I will have the rest of my life with him, wishing I could just have one more night with my girls. For now, I will treasure these nights and these moments with the beautiful women God has put in my path, and let Him draw me closer to Him.

Candy Hearts

Valentine’s Day. Single’s Awareness Day. Or, as my five-year-old sister calls it, Love Day.

Whatever you want to call it, February 14^th really bothered me until this year. I always saw it as a silly secularized holiday celebrating romantic love (which society often confuses with lust). It seemed that if a man really loved a woman, he would find ways to appreciate her every other day of the year—isn’t that what anniversaries are for? Why is it necessary for there to be a day when all the couples in the world are allowed to revel in their love bubble all at the same time? It makes one acutely aware of her singleness. I suppose that if I had someone in my life, it would be different. I would want to celebrate love, too, with flowers and doilies and candy hearts.

As it is though, I see what society has made the holiday become, especially after seeing the film Valentine’s Day that came out earlier this year. It is clear that society and the media do not understand what love is. The movie was entertaining at times, and I admit it brought tears to my eyes more than once (it doesn’t really take much for me!), but it was severely lacking. Every time it seemed like it was about to say something decent or even remotely true about love, something vulgar or funny ruined the moment. Such is life, I suppose. Human love is never perfect. Society portrays us as having candy hearts. They are hard and empty of all satisfaction. Candy hearts ask for someone to “text me,” or “call me.” They affirm that “ur gr8,” or “ur hott.” I received one that said “be mine,” but when I took it and ate it, I was not satisfied.

This year, the night before Valentine’s Day, I attended BeLoved, a mini-retreat for the women on campus. We heard testimonies from a married woman, a Franciscan nun, and a student who is discerning/spent almost a year in a convent before deciding to come to Franciscan. They all spoke of loving God first (where I got the idea for this blog’s title!), and of the joy and peace that comes from following His will. It was an incredibly inspiring night, which ended with adoration and midnight Mass. The priest gave a beautiful homily saying, “He is madly, passionately in love with you, and that is not liberal or conservative—it's just the plain Truth.” Then he thanked us for taking our vocations as women seriously, and for beginning Valentine's Day with the One True Love—Jesus in the Eucharist! Only when we receive Him, will we be satisfied.

Oh, it was beautiful. It gave me a new perspective: The whole night I kept thinking how beautiful it is that we have a day to celebrate love! It may be a lame holiday promoted by greeting card companies and florists as one of the most profitable holidays of the year, but why can't we de-secularize it and make it a day to celebrate everyone that we love, and to especially celebrate God’s love for us? By celebrating with the Sacred Heart rather than candy hearts, we can mark it as a day to remember the source of all life and all love. *He gives us His heart at each Mass.* By coming to the Eucharist, we can receive Christ into our hearts and allow the graces of His love to fill and satisfy us. With this grace, we can share His love with others, especially those who have no one else to love them.

My little sister understands it (it’s that whole childlike confidence we are called to by St. Therese), as she decorates the walls with Disney princess valentine’s and heart stickers. It is Love Day, a day to renew our love for God and for everyone He has put into our lives, and to recognize that without Him and His sacrifice of love, we would have hard, candy hearts. But it is the fire and passion of His burning love for us that melts them into cushy, lovable hearts that say, "I am Yours, first and forever." And we will live with Him happily ever after....

The Single Purpose

True love. We look for it in all the wrong places. We grow up hearing fairytales, desiring to be the girl who gets the prince. We dream and wait, praying to God to send him now, to end our loneliness and dry our tears, so that we may begin happily ever after. We even let ourselves settle for less than the best because we just get so tired of waiting, and the ache of loneliness becomes unbearable. We ask God, “Well, where is he? I am happy for my friends who have found love, but where is my Prince Charming?” All you ladies who have ever wondered where he is, this blog’s for you. For some of us, it is our vocation right now to be single women of God. Be single with purpose. Stop settling for less than God’s will for you.

I am one of you, and have been my whole life—22 (almost 23) years. Ever since I was a little girl who first believed in fairytales, my greatest desire has been to fall in love, get married, and have a family. So set was I on this desire, that I found myself constantly blurring the line between my dreams and reality. I lived in my own world, where the boy—a friend that I cared deeply about—just needed to grow up and mature a little bit before we could begin our happily ever after. I knew this couldn’t be right, but I held onto the dream, afraid that if I let him go, there’d be no one else. Eventually, I had fallen so far that I was drowning in my dreams. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I said goodbye to my friend. It hurt more than anything I have ever experienced, and I am afraid I hurt him, but I just wasn’t strong enough to be his friend anymore.

After four of the most painful months of my life, God graced me with clarity and understanding. He showed me that the reason I wasn't strong enough was because I was clinging to my own will and relying on my own strength. In the quiet of the night, He—True Love Himself!— whispered to me, “You are Mine.” Suddenly, I saw myself as a five-year-old again, coming home from summer Bible school and telling my mom, “I stood on a rock and I gave my life to Jesus!” I realized in that moment that that is at the center of my very being: I am His, first and forever.

We are His, First and Forever.