I hold you in my heart.

Separation is hard. Between friends and household sisters, there was always someone there to offer support while I was at school. Now that I'm back at home, I miss all those wonderful people who impacted my life, who helped me grow and become who I am today.

I spent a summer in Chicago with my cousin a few years ago. She was the only one in the city I knew, outside of all the middle-aged people we worked for at our internship in the office. It was lonely sometimes, even with each other. I felt like my heart had ripped into pieces and was scattered across the country. There were parts of it scattered across Ohio, Michigan, California, Virginia, New York, Illinois, Wisconsin, Indiana, and many other places. I began to trust God with all the little pieces of my heart, praying for the deepest intentions of the people my heart was with. I can be terrible at keeping in touch with people, but I never forget them and never stop praying for them.

There was a book I read as a teenager (one of the Christy Miller series) where a girl wonders if a particular guy misses her while he is away for a year in Hawaii. She receives a coconut in the mail from him on which he had written, "Phil 1:7." This puzzles the girl at first but she realizes it's probably a Bible verse. She looks it up and finds a translation of Phillipians 1:7, "It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in my heart..." I love that. It is how I feel of all the people who have ever been in my life, even those I didn't particularly care for. So now, rather than watch my heart scatter in pieces around the world, I can gather the pieces together and hold them close.

I have been thinking lately about how nice it would be to have a "special someone" walking with me through this difficult and frightening stage of life, but I realized that I have a lot of special someones. I hold them in my heart, and they walk with me. I take what I have learned from them and gained from my relationships with them and live them. It's not so lonely that way.

Whoever is reading this, I hold you in my heart. :)

Little flowers need rain as much as sunshine.

Crushes are so irritating. These thorns in your side sneak up on you when you least suspect it and there's often nothing you can do to stop thinking about that certain guy. Even in my twenties, I fall back into this vicious cycle of wondering about guys who are practically strangers: "Could this cute, holy guy be the One?" I pray and beg God to take these obnoxious thoughts away. Why do I keep thinking about a guy whose name I don't even know? Seriously. It's ridiculous.

Or is it? I often fall for guys and they distract me, making me lose my focus. But they certainly make me pray more! And looking back, God has used this weakness of mine in huge ways to bring me closer to Him, to teach me about myself, and even to show me His will. From these thorns bloom the most beautiful roses.

One of my household sisters texted me this passage yesterday:

"And to keep me from being too elated by the abundance of revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it should leave me; but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

St. Therese talks about this a lot, about our weaknesses being good in that they bring us closer to God. If we had no weaknesses, we would have no need of Him. But weakness causes us to rely on Him and increases our trust in Him. He uses this trust to perform miracles, to move mountains in the hearts of men. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, crushes, separations, and loneliness; for when I am weak, then I am strong. I admit I still haven't found a way to get rid of silly crushes, but as I think my silly thoughts, I look to God and tell Him I can't do it alone. He usually shines some light on the situation, allowing me a small revelation that teaches me to love better. Eventually I get over it and life goes on, a little bit more joyful than before. I am also a little bit more me than before.

His grace falls like rain to make the little flowers grow.