In Suspense and Incomplete

When I began this blog a little over a year ago, it was intended to be a blog for young single women. As one of those girls who had never been in a relationship, I was tired of people who weren't single telling me, "Someday it'll happen to you. When you least expect it, the perfect guy will find you." Easy for them to say, I thought. I was tired of constantly looking ahead and wishing my life away, waiting for Someday to get here. I wanted to start living in the present, to accept myself for who I was "in suspense and incomplete." I wanted to learn how to live with a "single purpose," of coming to know myself better as a woman of God, so that when Someday comes, I will be ready. I wanted to share that journey with other girls like me, who had maybe been looking for themselves in all the wrong places. I wanted to stop pining for Mr. Right, so I set off on a journey.

The journey I have described in these posts has been my own journey of self-discovery in my singleness. Single with purpose. It was here that I wrote of the spiritual, the quirky, the inspiring, the passionate, the whatever-happened-to-be-on-my-mind-at-the-time. Each post I wrote taught me a little something about myself. Most especially, I came to realize that when I had reached a fork in the road, I heard Jesus whisper to me in the night, "You are mine, first and forever." He asked me to trust Him, so I took His hand. But as I followed Him down the road, I felt my heart breaking in ways I hadn't known possible. I kept looking back at what could have been down the other road, at the dreams that I still held onto. Looking back caused me to stumble and fall into deep holes along the way, but He always came back and picked me up, brushed me off, wiped away my tears. Together, we slowly picked up the pieces of my broken heart and broken dreams. Now, as I described in my previous post, I have found my way back home. He has mended the pieces of my heart and given me new dreams. Now I stand stronger and wiser, a woman rooted deeply in the heart of Christ.

From the beginning, I knew that I wanted to continue writing here only as long as I was single (I didn't want to become a 'Someday it will happen to you!' pep-talker.), but now that I have come to a place of such peace in my vocation, a place where new dreams have come alive in my heart, I find that I cannot continue writing here. It has been a lovely journey, made lovelier by all the positive comments I have received from you lovely readers! But I believe this is where this particular journey ends...the next one is only just beginning.

Off I go...

His Grace is enough. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

Free to Live

As I drove around yesterday, I thought about how nice it would be to go visit a friend. I drove past the highway and wondered what it would be like to be able to just take that on-ramp and go, to have the time and money to go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Wouldn't it be nice to be a nomad, a pilgrim soul, travelling wherever the wind carried me, wherever my heart desired? Well, my scattered heart desires to go many places, but the wind seems to have stopped blowing my way. So far, none of my ideas for a new life have been viable, and I am not brave enough to pack my suitcase and step out into the big world alone. Until recently, I felt as if I were stuck in the mud in my hometown. A reality check reminded me that there are worse things.

The reality check came in the form of the death of a former classmate of mine, and the news of a health scare of a good friend. It's strange how much light death sheds on life, especially when death takes someone so young. As I sat with my high school friends at the funeral yesterday, I realized that the casket could have been for any one of us. We never know the day nor the hour when the Lord will call us home. This is not to say that we should constantly be afraid that our time is near, but that we should simply live life to fullest while we have the chance.

Of course, it is so easy to say that this is what we should do, but it's something entirely different to actually do it, especially when we are held back by certain limitations like school, jobs, family responsibilities, or lack of resources. When you see a twenty-three year old put in a box to go underground, you realize that life is short. We should make do with what we have everyday, rather than constantly wish things were different. It is difficult learning how to do this, especially considering the fact that I grew up believing in fairy-tales, believing that if I closed my eyes and clicked my heels together three times, I would wind up where I wanted to be.

Reality check: that only happens in Oz.

In Ohio, you work for what you want. You take on part-time jobs you hate to make enough money to get where you want to be. You take on each day as if you were taking on an army. I learn a little more each day about how to live the life I have, rather than complain that I am not where I want to be. I probably learned more in the last week than I have in the last several months. I took on the task of painting a ceiling, like Michaelangelo (minus the various colors and intricate details, but still...it was my own--plain white--Sistine Chapel). I covered the walls with a "wisp of smoke" tint to compliment the new bedspreads my mom bought. I helped clear farmland by moving large logs, branches, and playing the literal version of pick up sticks. I sat by a fire and made new friends over songs played on banjos under the stars and a full moon. I transplanted beet and collard green sprouts to flats fit for a patchwork greenhouse. I did things I never thought I would do, and I forgot about my worries and my fears. I simply lived.

While I lived, I felt the life springing from the center of my being, the point where Christ lives in my heart. I went to visit Him at the tabernacle in church yesterday and I laid down all of my sorrows and fears, everything that I was worried and anxious about--the girl who died and a friend whose health I feared for. I gave them to Jesus and I said, "I want to trust You, but all of these things are getting in the way. Remind me of Your love." And He did, but it struck me in a new way. Last year, I needed to be reminded that He cares for me deeply, that I am His, first and forever. Now, after all the experiences that have strengthened me and caused me to grow in the last year, God reminded me that we are all His, first and forever. My classmate who passed away, my family and my friends, my coworkers, all of the people who are important to me--all belong to Him. Whether or not they know, and whether or not they care, they are His to give and His to take away. My worries about those I love make no difference, but my prayers provide peace for me and assurance to God that I am placing my trust in Him. My prayers then become a channel of His grace, and I become a channel of His love.

It is difficult to constantly see that what we have here is a gift. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily, routinely nothings, to take everything for granted. But contained in each day is the potential to change a life, to make a difference, to spark a smile. Each person we encounter wants to love and be loved. But so many of us are afraid. So many of us fear taking that risk and making ourselves vulnerable. So many of us hide away for fear of being hurt. So many of us fear our love being rejected. And let's face it--we do get hurt, we are rejected. We are human beings in a human world and our love has limitations. But the Good Lord loves us with an abiding, merciful love--a perfect love. He covers the gaps in our imperfection with His perfection. His love always wins. When our love isn't big enough, His is. It really is. When we accept that, we are free--from worry, fear, anxiety--to truly and simply live.

It's beautiful, really.

Becoming

If you had told me a year ago that I would still be at home seven months after I graduated from college, I would have cried. Well, here I am. And a few days ago when I received the reality check, I admit that the tears came.

I feel as if I am still no closer to figuring out what to do with my life than I was seven months ago, but I know--deep down somewhere--that I am. Though the process is slow and at times painful, I am becoming someone. I am trying to hold onto the good and weed out the bad and the ugly. But the bad and the ugly are not going without putting up a fight. With the grace of God I conquer one obstacle, then find myself faced with another even uglier. A constant battle.

It reminds me of a quote (I think it's a collection of quotes, but they read as one) that a dear friend of mine slipped to me a few years ago when my heart was in turmoil. I think about this quote often when I realize that I have been getting ahead of myself, when I find myself drowning in my weaknesses and failures.

"We are impatient of being on the way to something

And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made

by passing through some stages of instability--

and that may take a very long time...

Ideas mature gradually. Don't try to force them on, as though you could be today what time will make you tomorrow. Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing that HIS HAND IS LEADING you surely through the obscurity and the...BECOMING and accept yourself in suspense and incomplete...

Since your activity has to be far-reaching, it must emanate from a heart that has suffered....

We must offer our existence to God, who neither wastes nor spoils, but rather makes use--BETTER than we can ever anticipate--of the struggle in which we are enveloped."

~Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

My Brothers' Keeper

The wind whipped through the abandoned camp, the gaps in the barbed wire fences, the houses that evil built. My feet stepped cautiously along the cobblestone and dirt roads where evil tread. My eyes saw mounds of hair that evil sheared, piles of tattered shoes that evil stole, prisons where evil sneered, walls riddled with bullet holes where evil killed, ovens where evil burned. Evil was in the wind that blew through Auschwitz that day, chilling me to my core, taunting me, asking me, "Why did God forsake this place, these people who suffered and cried out for His help? Why did no one save them?"

I remembered words written by a young girl: "In spite of everything, I still believe people are basically good at heart," Anne Frank wrote from her attic prison. Did she change her mind when she reached this place? Evil made sure that the world will never know. I was different when I walked out of the ghost camp that October evening. I had seen and felt what could not be conveyed in a classroom history lesson. I wondered how God could possibly let something so terrible happen to so many innocent people. It was easier to trust in God's mercy and love before, but now that I had seen and tasted real human suffering for myself, how could I believe? A faint hope rose in me--at least I could rest in the confidence that we would never allow something like this to go on today. And then as quickly as hope rose, it disappeared: it is going on today. It began in 1973 and continues today--50 million innocent human lives destroyed. A force greater than the gusty Poland wind suddenly moved in my heart--the cry of God, "The voice of your brother's blood is crying to me from the ground." (Gen. 4:10) The voice of our brothers' blood calls to us from the ground, from the dumpsters where they are carelessly tossed, from the jars that line the walls of an abortionist's office, from the execution rooms, from the battlefields, from a grocery store in Arizona.

There is blood everywhere. And we wonder, who is going to clean this mess up? In the film The Passion of the Christ, the Mother of Christ gets on her hands and knees to clean up her own Son's blood after His scourging. After His death, she holds his bloodied, bruised, broken, body and looks at us with haunting eyes as if to say, "See how much He loves you?" More than we can know. He actually did that for us, to cleanse us with His Mercy. He showed us what it means to be His brothers' keeper by showing mercy, by loving everyone, and by giving up His life so that we may live. He did this for us and said, "Now do this for others."

That said, the freezing march through Washington D.C. on Monday morning will quite literally be a walk in the park compared to His struggle up to Calvary under the crushing weight of our sins. But it is a step along the Way. With renewed hope and trust in God's mercy, I will march with fellow pro-lifers up to the steps of the Supreme Court building and I will PRAY to God that people wake up and realize that this is LIFE we are talking about, our brothers and sisters. Whether or not you are able to join the thousands marching through D.C. this weekend, I ask you to at least take a moment to pray with us for the souls of our brothers and sisters who will never see the light of day, the Abels of our time. Let us be the voice of our brothers' blood crying out from the ground--the voice of truth.

You will not silence my message;

you will not mock my God;

and you WILL stop killing my generation.

(Pro-life Youth pledge, Rock for Life)

2011: The New Beginning (Watch Out, World)

Happy New Year! I wish you the best in this coming year, and much luck with your resolutions (if you made any). I keep telling people (only half-joking) that my New Year's resolution is to get a life. I suppose technically I mean, get a new life, but anyway, here's what I mean:

As a writer, I often look at things I've worked on for a long time and decide that they're not going where I want them to go. The ideas are right but the execution is off, or the technique is good but the point is unclear. The beauty is that I always have the power to change it: I either take my pen to a fresh page in the notebook, or I open a new Word document and add a 2 at the end of the work's title so I know it's the second draft. There are many new beginnings within the "Creative Writing" folder on my computer, but I never throw my old drafts away. I keep them for reference to remind myself why I changed certain elements and kept others the same. I confess, though, that certain mismatched documents exist solely for experimentation and exercise. The "bestseller" I began in high school is now pages of rambling nonsense that I come back to on occasion when I lack fresh ideas but need to write something. 2010 was one of those mismatched documents.

Last year was probably the most colorful year I can remember. Everything was different, and everything was more difficult than before. I experienced an incredible amount of healing, as well as significant amounts of failures and disappointments that seemed to clash with my accomplishments and joys. Though I am not proud of many things that I could have done differently, I regret nothing. Even my mistakes are there so that I don't have to make them again. And even though I didn't exactly get where I wanted to go, I won't disregard the whole year as worthless. It will just sit in my files as that crazy year when hardly anything fit together, and nothing ever seemed to make much sense.

To celebrate New Year's Eve and bid good riddance to 2010, I went to confession and noon Mass, to wipe my slate clean and find the grace necessary to begin again. At Mass, the reading was the beginning of John: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God; all things were made through him, and without Him, nothing was made that has been made....From his fullness have we all received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." (John 1:1-2, 16-17--full reading John 1:1-18)

I love that John's Gospel reflects back to the book of Genesis, to the beginning of all creation. He makes it clear that Christ was present in that first beginning, but that He comes now as part of the new beginning. The common thread that weaves the old draft with the new. We were created in Him, taught how to live according to the law. But now He has come to transform our stony hearts, to fill us with the fullness of life, and to make us a new creation.

I see my life as a book like the Bible. The last 23 years were my old testament, my growing up as a child of God. Now begins my new testament, the fulfilling of my vocation. I finished school and learned the "law" given by God and written on my heart. The next however many years, starting TODAY will be me actually living what I've learned (and learning more along the way of course!). I am filled with such a sense of hope and peace. I still have no idea where God wants me to go, but now I am MUCH more determined to get there! He has made me a new creation and given me a new year...WATCH OUT, WORLD.

Here's to 2011...may it be your best year yet.

Put on the Habit of His Love

Working in customer service is always interesting. Sometimes extremely frustrating, but always interesting. There's that rule, "The customer is always right," that must always be followed. It isn't 100% true, but we never let the customer know that. Some customers are difficult without trying to be, and ask questions that seem like common sense to me. They tend to get under my skin, and I just have to shake my head when they leave and say, "I don't understand some people."

So today God decided to humble me when I went looking for a CD. The Love Revolution album was on sale at the local Christian store, so I went to buy it. I went in and didn't see it on the sales rack, so I asked the handsome young man working behind the counter. I told him I was looking for Love Revolution by Nichole Nordeman. He began searching in his database and seemed to have trouble. I made sure he was spelling her name right, but he still couldn't find it. He said, "Could it be Natalie Grant?" And I thought for a moment, then responded, "No. It's definitely Nichole Nordeman." After a few more moments with no luck, I said that I had seen it in the sales ad and could point it out to him. He pulled it out and we flipped through it. I pointed to the picture of the CD, and there it was: Natalie Grant, Love Revolution.

DUH.

I laughed at myself and apologized as a line began to form behind me and he started searching the racks for this CD. He finally found one sitting behind the counter for me and I was able to check out, still apologizing. For two months I have wanted this CD, searching on iTunes and in the stores under Nichole Nordeman. My mistake turned me into one of those customers that tests my patience. I saw and experienced the situation from the other side and realized the importance of being understanding.

We encounter all different kinds of people everyday at work, at the store, at restaurants, at Church, and we never know where people are coming from, or what makes them the way they are. We never know why people make the choices they do, or what they may be experiencing at any given time. It seems that there are two extremes dominating society today: to be so tolerant that nothing stands as truth, or to be so set on one's beliefs that they make no room for human weakness. It is impossible to love as God wants us to when we do not try to understand His people. We always fear what we don't understand, but "perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18). Perfect love requires an effort to be understanding of differences, and of course, we can't achieve perfect love without the assistance of God.

For awhile, there was a person in my life who I just kind of brushed off for no reason, except that she never seemed to go out of her way to show me she cared, so why should I try? I found out the other day that this person was having serious marital problems. When I heard this, my heart immediately softened toward her in compassion. Rather than push her away, I knew there must be something I could do to love her better. I decided to begin by praying for healing in her marriage and by making a greater effort to be open to her. I think that these kinds of decisions of the heart are what allow God to love through us. We have to first be open to allowing His graces to course through us. Of course, there must be a foundation of love for Him to work through. We must first recognize the truth, that God is love, that Christ saves us from our sins, and that we are ALL His, first and forever.

So instead of saying, "People can do whatever they want if it makes them happy, as long as they aren't hurting anyone in the process," or "Well, the Church says this so if they don't obey, they're going to hell," we should hold to the truth we believe and meet people where they are at. Jesus met people where they were at, and loved them for who they were--prostitutes, tax collectors, picky customers, etc. He loved them all, and commanded us to love them for Him. When someone is starving, they will not understand the love of Christ if you simply tell them, "Jesus loves you." But if you give a starving person food, you will show the love of Christ with your actions. As Saint Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the Gospel at all times. If necessary, use words."

The Love Revolution begins in the heart. When we truly open our hearts and make a movement of our will to love by willing the good of others, God will be able to work through us, to love through us, to catch souls in our nets. We do not have to let go of our beliefs to do this--look at Mother Teresa. She never preached at the sick and starving people she cared for. She gave them what they needed and she opened herself to sharing in their suffering. If they asked, she explained about her beliefs, but mostly, she loved them through her actions. Begin love by seeking to understand what is different, what is scary. Because what is inconceivable in your own mind is life's harsh reality to another. Make it a habit to listen to others and try to understand them, seeking ways in which you can love them with your actions as well as your words. Open your heart and put on God's love--let His love be your habit in the vocation to LOVE.

Grace Period

This post-grad life is exciting, not knowing what is ahead. I love being able to live life one day at a time, which is something that I have to do to avoid being overcome by the overwhelming stress of it all. But some days, as on days when my parents like to sit me down and explain to me the necessity of earning a living, the stress and fear of figuring out my future is all too real and too discouraging. They remind me that there will soon be rent to pay, a car to buy, insurance, and that most dreadful of all four-letter words: loan(s). The only thought that keeps me going is that, while the loan grace period is only six months (a terrifying thought in this unstable economy), God's grace period is forever, timeless.

Every time I begin to feel discouraged about my vocation as a Catholic writer, God reminds me (in His perfect timing!) how important this mission is for me. This week, after a painful discussion with my dad about my job-search, I received the first issue of a writer's magazine subscription that my aunt gave me for graduation. The first article I read was titled "Face the Fear." Everything about the article was perfect. The writer eased my fears and reminded me that while writing is not in high-demand these days, it is perhaps more important now than ever:

"Writers can be disheartened into silence. If we buy into the myth of our own irrelevance--if we let the notion that our art is a private and rather self-absorbed matter make us so insular that we actually believe the whole point is getting the right kind of critical attention and sales numbers--then it will be that much easier to give up at the first sign of a bad review. We need to keep going for a more robust reason. We need to keep going because the work we do matters." (Rachel Kadish, Poets & Writers, Sept/Oct 2010)

The timing of this article was so perfect that it could have only been God reminding me that He gave me this passion for the pen, and He has a plan for me to use it for His will. He won't leave me disheartened in the dust. His grace is sufficient!

With this renewed passion, I began to look at my situation from a different perspective--that of love. I realize that I easily get into that moody, brooding, self-absorbed artist mode when life gets in the way of my writing. This is when I have to remind myself that I do not write for me--I write for God. And above my vocation for writing, I have chosen the vocation of Love, which encompasses all vocations. Without Love, I have nothing but myself in all my miserable impurities. But with Love, I have everything. As long as I put Love first, God will use me as His pen when and where He needs me.

My new favorite song (and prayer) is Matt Maher's song "Letting Go:"

I stand in awe of You

And everything You've done for me

You speak Your words into my life

And where You are is where I want to be...

I'm holding onto Your love

I'm letting go of myself

I'll say so long to everything else

I just want to be in Your arms.

Moving ever closer to Your heart.

I had to re-read my own post from June 19, because in those three weeks, there have been countless crushes coming and going in my life.

One day. One day these silly feelings will be transformed into a love beyond my dreams. That is what I must hope in.

His grace is sufficient.

Little flowers need rain as much as sunshine.

Crushes are so irritating. These thorns in your side sneak up on you when you least suspect it and there's often nothing you can do to stop thinking about that certain guy. Even in my twenties, I fall back into this vicious cycle of wondering about guys who are practically strangers: "Could this cute, holy guy be the One?" I pray and beg God to take these obnoxious thoughts away. Why do I keep thinking about a guy whose name I don't even know? Seriously. It's ridiculous.

Or is it? I often fall for guys and they distract me, making me lose my focus. But they certainly make me pray more! And looking back, God has used this weakness of mine in huge ways to bring me closer to Him, to teach me about myself, and even to show me His will. From these thorns bloom the most beautiful roses.

One of my household sisters texted me this passage yesterday:

"And to keep me from being too elated by the abundance of revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it should leave me; but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

St. Therese talks about this a lot, about our weaknesses being good in that they bring us closer to God. If we had no weaknesses, we would have no need of Him. But weakness causes us to rely on Him and increases our trust in Him. He uses this trust to perform miracles, to move mountains in the hearts of men. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, crushes, separations, and loneliness; for when I am weak, then I am strong. I admit I still haven't found a way to get rid of silly crushes, but as I think my silly thoughts, I look to God and tell Him I can't do it alone. He usually shines some light on the situation, allowing me a small revelation that teaches me to love better. Eventually I get over it and life goes on, a little bit more joyful than before. I am also a little bit more me than before.

His grace falls like rain to make the little flowers grow.

He Listens.

In the past year, I have lived in four different homes, all within the same town. This instability taught me that where I am does not matter nearly as much as who I am. Because I struggle with shyness, I often have trouble being myself in uncomfortable settings and situations. But settings change, characters come and go. What remains the same is who we are.

Of course, the concept of who we are is something of an enigma, especially during the constant instability and growth that we experience in four years of college. We slip, we fall, we make mistakes and forget who we are meant to be. These experiences strengthen us and change us, but at the center of it all, we remain masterpiece's of the Father's creation. Even when sin disfigures us, He transforms us in the flames of His mercy. He has given each of us a life and a unique voice. It is up to us, by His grace, to discover that voice and make it heard for His greater glory. He always hears us, even when no one else is listening!