Happily Ever After

These past few weeks have been crazy-busy with spring break and household retreat with the Little Flowers, as well as beginning to focus more on my thesis (due in one month...). Even in the craziness, God has been working steadily in my heart, continuing to transform it from a girl's to that of a woman.

While researching for my thesis (I'm writing a Catholic's guide to the Twilight series, weeding out both the positive and negative aspects as they apply to teenage girls), I stumbled on an excellent article by Laura Miller ("Touched by a vampire"). She writes: "Some things, it seems, are even harder to kill than vampires. The traditional feminine fantasy of being delivered from obscurity by a dazzling, powerful man, of needing to do no more to prove or find yourself than win his devotion, of being guarded from all life's vicissitudes by his boundless strength and wealth--all this turns out to be a difficult dream to leave behind."

Indeed, it is difficult to leave such a dream behind. I used to wonder if it were even necessary. Yes, I understood that my life would not end like a Jane Austen novel. But I still let myself become consumed with romantic ideals found in novels, songs, and movies. It was all I dreamed of--to sit still and wait until a man came who loved me and would vow to love me forever. Like I mentioned in previous posts, I let myself practically drown in this dream, projecting these romantic ideals into situations where they did not belong. It was like I was living in "snooze" mode in a feeble attempt to catch another small glimpse of my dream. I refused to wake up and begin the rest of my life. But, as on spring break when our alarm every morning (thanks to my lovely household sister) was, Enrique Iglesias whispering, "I can be your hero...," God finally woke me up from my fantasy world by reminding me, "You are mine, first and forever." He showed me that I could have something far greater than a romance like Pride and Prejudice: a divine romance. Jesus wants to be the hero of your heart!

Heaven should be our ultimate goal, because only with God can we be completely satisfied. On earth, we will always encounter some sort of sorrow or heartache. This is why, God showed me, it is important to let go of earthly desires. When we seek only Him, He shares with us the most beautiful romance, because only in heaven will we find happily ever after....

*song of the day: "Divine Romance," Phil Wickham

Where the Wild Rose Blooms....

One of my favorite images that Immaculee used to tell her story is that of planting seeds. My mom would always talk about that when I was growing up. Whenever I was made fun of or looked down upon for standing up for my beliefs, she would remind me, "You're just planting seeds. God will make them grow in His own time. You just have to trust in Him."

Trust. Isn't that one of the hardest things for us as humans, to give ourselves over in total surrender to God? And yet, it is the most important. In my experience that I wrote about in my first post, "The Single Purpose," I struggled a lot with the why. Why did God let this happen? I had prayed to Him to keep me from falling again, to keep my head above water so that I wouldn't drown in my dreams. I wanted to keep a firm grip on reality, and I prayed to Him for that. But I still fell. I couldn't understand why. I have never believed in unanswered prayers. I believe that God will sometimes tell us "No" in answer, but He never just leaves us hanging. So this was a particularly difficult one to grasp. I had asked God to prevent me from falling--something I know He was capable of doing. And yet, He allowed me to fall. Why?

I sought the answer. I decided to allow a small group of people pray with me about this. I had a void in my heart where my friend used to be, and I had been asking God to fill it, but I still felt so empty. The people told me that God is the Father, and sometimes He allows His children to suffer loneliness to remind them of heaven. This pain does not exist there, and all we need in order to get there is Him. Even if we can't see the earthly purpose for this pain, we have to trust that there is a purpose. Then they described the heart as a garden: Your heart is a garden, full of beautiful flowers of every kind--these are the things about you that make you beautiful. But there is still a plot that is only soil--this is the void you feel. To you, it is only a patch of dirt. You want something to grow here, but God is still preparing it. He is using your pain to fertilize the seeds beneath the soil, so that when the time comes, it will be the most fruitful and the most beautiful. You only need to ask God to come and fill this soil, to let Him shine His light and shower His graces on the soil. It is here that the wild rose will bloom!

I had so much peace after that, but there was still something I wasn't getting. About a week later, in the quiet of the night, I begged God for peace. I told Him that I understood there must be a purpose for this pain, that I knew He would make something beautiful grow there, but I was still so confused about why it had to happen the way it did. In that desperate hour, He allowed my heart to see. "You are Mine," He whispered. I cried and told Him, "I know, yes, I am Yours!" And then He said, "You would not trust Me." And there it was. Everything fell into place. I had presented Him with my desire for love, marriage, a family. He had told me I would have these things, but not yet. He wanted me to remain with Him on the beach a little while longer, but I was ready to plunge right in the crashing waves. I had said, like a spoiled, selfish child, "I want this, and I want it now." I could not give Him that trust that He wanted. I could not understand why He wanted me to wait when I was content to just settle down right then. But He said to me that night, "I have more for you."

There is so much joy, peace, and freedom in believing and trusting that the Lord has greater plans for us than we have for ourselves. It does not eliminate the pain, but it makes it bearable. Just as our love for God makes His pain on the cross bearable. When we embrace our crosses as He embraced His, we comfort Him, giving Him a purpose for the pain. A perfect prayer to say throughout the day when you begin to feel hopelessness creep in: "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24).

Also, I am surprised this hasn't come out yet, but I am a huge music buff. My dad always had a song for every occasion, so I suppose I got my passion for it from him. So, I will often have songs and lyrics to share with you. For this particular post, there is a beautiful Matt Maher song that I recently discovered that corresponds with this called "You Were On The Cross." He sings, "Where were You when all that I dreamed came crashing down in shambles around me? You were on the cross." I encourage you to look up the song! It really says everything!

Jesus, I trust in You!

...and world peace!

Last night, I had the beautiful opportunity to hear a living saint tell her story.

Immaculee Ilibagiza is a survivor of the Rwandan genocide that killed one million people in 1994. Her bestselling book, Left To Tell, tells the story of how she survived, hiding in a bathroom with seven other women for 91 days. At one point during that time, the home she hid in was thoroughly searched. As they searched, she prayed to God for a sign, that if He were really there, the men would not find them. The last room the men went to check was the bathroom. They touched the doorknob, but instead of opening the door, they said to the man of the house, "We trust you," and they left. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is!

Immaculee prayed the rosary for 12 to 13 hours every day. She began to truly pray the prayers from her heart. What was most difficult for her to say was the Our Father. She did not see the Father as the Father of the enemy. But as she continued to pray, she heard God say to her repeatedly, "They are my children too." Slowly, she accepted that, but still, she could not pray with her heart the words, "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." Sitting in that bathroom, hungry, weak, and afraid, she thought it impossible to forgive. She tried to leave out those words of the prayer, but soon heard God saying to her, "My Son gave you those words, not man." So she prayed to God that if it were possible to forgive the enemy, to forgive the men who were out there killing her family and her people, who might show up at any time to kill her, He would have to show her how. Finally one day, while meditating on the fifth Sorrowful Mystery, she spoke of how she imagined herself with Jesus, embracing Him on the cross, weeping for Him, letting His blood wash her clean, and she heard, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Naturally, she found herself saying, "How can you? How can you forgive these people as they kill you?" And the answer is there in His final breath, "They know not what they do." Immaculee spoke of her desire to hold on to hate and anger. But God touched her heart, and she allowed His Mercy to wash her clean, to pour through her, so that she could forgive the men who killed her family.

Seriously? Amazing. She now travels around the world, speaking on peace, love, and forgiveness. As Christians, it is our vocation to love! It is often so difficult in this modern world to actually live that love, but she is living, breathing proof that it is possible. With God, anything is possible! It was truly inspiring to see the peace and the freedom she found in forgiveness emanating from her very presence. How much we can learn from her example, by forgiving those who have hurt us in the past, be it family members, ex boyfriends, old friends. Her story shares with us the key to world peace: love and forgiveness! Wouldn't it be beautiful if we, as a nation, could forgive the terrorist attacks of 9/11? If we could forgive the Holocaust? If we could forgive abortionists? If we could forgive murderers and rapists? It is important for us to remember that it is all about love! Immaculee spoke of planting seeds, that we never know what beautiful fruit God will grow from our tiny little seeds of faith. Already she has touched millions of lives with her story! Let us be little sowers of seeds of love!

Oh, there is so much I could say about her! You can be sure I'll mention her in the future, but for now, you can find more information on Immaculee and her story by visiting her website http://www.immaculee.com/, reading her book (which I plan to do over Easter break), and becoming a fan on Facebook! Of course, the best way to learn about her is to follow her example in love and forgiveness!

Candy Hearts

Valentine’s Day. Single’s Awareness Day. Or, as my five-year-old sister calls it, Love Day.

Whatever you want to call it, February 14^th really bothered me until this year. I always saw it as a silly secularized holiday celebrating romantic love (which society often confuses with lust). It seemed that if a man really loved a woman, he would find ways to appreciate her every other day of the year—isn’t that what anniversaries are for? Why is it necessary for there to be a day when all the couples in the world are allowed to revel in their love bubble all at the same time? It makes one acutely aware of her singleness. I suppose that if I had someone in my life, it would be different. I would want to celebrate love, too, with flowers and doilies and candy hearts.

As it is though, I see what society has made the holiday become, especially after seeing the film Valentine’s Day that came out earlier this year. It is clear that society and the media do not understand what love is. The movie was entertaining at times, and I admit it brought tears to my eyes more than once (it doesn’t really take much for me!), but it was severely lacking. Every time it seemed like it was about to say something decent or even remotely true about love, something vulgar or funny ruined the moment. Such is life, I suppose. Human love is never perfect. Society portrays us as having candy hearts. They are hard and empty of all satisfaction. Candy hearts ask for someone to “text me,” or “call me.” They affirm that “ur gr8,” or “ur hott.” I received one that said “be mine,” but when I took it and ate it, I was not satisfied.

This year, the night before Valentine’s Day, I attended BeLoved, a mini-retreat for the women on campus. We heard testimonies from a married woman, a Franciscan nun, and a student who is discerning/spent almost a year in a convent before deciding to come to Franciscan. They all spoke of loving God first (where I got the idea for this blog’s title!), and of the joy and peace that comes from following His will. It was an incredibly inspiring night, which ended with adoration and midnight Mass. The priest gave a beautiful homily saying, “He is madly, passionately in love with you, and that is not liberal or conservative—it's just the plain Truth.” Then he thanked us for taking our vocations as women seriously, and for beginning Valentine's Day with the One True Love—Jesus in the Eucharist! Only when we receive Him, will we be satisfied.

Oh, it was beautiful. It gave me a new perspective: The whole night I kept thinking how beautiful it is that we have a day to celebrate love! It may be a lame holiday promoted by greeting card companies and florists as one of the most profitable holidays of the year, but why can't we de-secularize it and make it a day to celebrate everyone that we love, and to especially celebrate God’s love for us? By celebrating with the Sacred Heart rather than candy hearts, we can mark it as a day to remember the source of all life and all love. *He gives us His heart at each Mass.* By coming to the Eucharist, we can receive Christ into our hearts and allow the graces of His love to fill and satisfy us. With this grace, we can share His love with others, especially those who have no one else to love them.

My little sister understands it (it’s that whole childlike confidence we are called to by St. Therese), as she decorates the walls with Disney princess valentine’s and heart stickers. It is Love Day, a day to renew our love for God and for everyone He has put into our lives, and to recognize that without Him and His sacrifice of love, we would have hard, candy hearts. But it is the fire and passion of His burning love for us that melts them into cushy, lovable hearts that say, "I am Yours, first and forever." And we will live with Him happily ever after....

To Be Free

In case you are wondering, I am a senior at Franciscan University in Steubenville, Ohio. I am graduating after I finish up some final classes over the summer, and I have no certain plan for my future. I sort of assumed when I came here that by this time I would have found the man of my dreams and would be planning my future with him, since that's what happened to my older sister when she came here....

As you have probably figured out from my first post, that has not happened. However, I have learned a lot about myself and grown spiritually through my experiences here. God certainly uses our weaknesses to bring us closer to Him! So, I want to share encouragement and support for all single women struggling to live out their vocations. It is something I struggled with for a very long time, and still struggle with often! But I recently found peace and freedom in the Truth. The Truth is that God wants us. He wants us to come to Him so He can hold us close to His heart and pour His love into us. As St. Therese writes in Story of a Soul, “Perfection consists in doing His will, in being what He wills us to be.” Right now, He wills us to be content in Him, to be vessels of His love, and to go out into the world and share the love with others. Instead of trying to read the signs and figure it out, He desires us to simply love and to be who He wants us to be, rather than try to figure out what (wife and mother, religious, etc.). Because no matter what He wants in the future, right now (and always!) He wants us to LOVE!

One of my household sisters (A household is a sort of ‘baptized sorority,’ or faith community, that exist on campus at FUS. I belong to a household called the Little Flowers, who strive to live and love through the spirituality of St. Therese of Lisieux.) told me once after I confided to her about my frustration at not being in a relationship that there are some of God’s children whom He wants to keep close to Himself a little longer. She spoke of a beautiful image of a little girl walking on the beach, holding her Father’s hand. The little girl wanted to go play in the water with her sisters, but the Father held her hand tight and told her, “Be patient, daughter. I will grant you the desires of your heart, but not yet." He is not ready to part with us. He wants all of His children to remain close to His heart, but we are His special comfort, the ones who still seek True Love. He says to our souls, weary in the search, "Come be close and be rested." Only when we accept His offer will our souls be free.

:)

The Single Purpose

True love. We look for it in all the wrong places. We grow up hearing fairytales, desiring to be the girl who gets the prince. We dream and wait, praying to God to send him now, to end our loneliness and dry our tears, so that we may begin happily ever after. We even let ourselves settle for less than the best because we just get so tired of waiting, and the ache of loneliness becomes unbearable. We ask God, “Well, where is he? I am happy for my friends who have found love, but where is my Prince Charming?” All you ladies who have ever wondered where he is, this blog’s for you. For some of us, it is our vocation right now to be single women of God. Be single with purpose. Stop settling for less than God’s will for you.

I am one of you, and have been my whole life—22 (almost 23) years. Ever since I was a little girl who first believed in fairytales, my greatest desire has been to fall in love, get married, and have a family. So set was I on this desire, that I found myself constantly blurring the line between my dreams and reality. I lived in my own world, where the boy—a friend that I cared deeply about—just needed to grow up and mature a little bit before we could begin our happily ever after. I knew this couldn’t be right, but I held onto the dream, afraid that if I let him go, there’d be no one else. Eventually, I had fallen so far that I was drowning in my dreams. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I said goodbye to my friend. It hurt more than anything I have ever experienced, and I am afraid I hurt him, but I just wasn’t strong enough to be his friend anymore.

After four of the most painful months of my life, God graced me with clarity and understanding. He showed me that the reason I wasn't strong enough was because I was clinging to my own will and relying on my own strength. In the quiet of the night, He—True Love Himself!— whispered to me, “You are Mine.” Suddenly, I saw myself as a five-year-old again, coming home from summer Bible school and telling my mom, “I stood on a rock and I gave my life to Jesus!” I realized in that moment that that is at the center of my very being: I am His, first and forever.

We are His, First and Forever.