Green is for life.

Nestled on a clearance shelf in the back of the store, it called to me. Shades of green and funky weed things sprouting on the front made it look exactly like the kind of journal I would buy. Pretty leaves mark the bottom of each page--I love that kind of thing. The eco-friendly label also informed that no trees were used to make the journal. Here I must admit that I am something of a Go Green girl. You won't see me waving banners to save the trees (unborn babies are still my priority), but I do believe it is important to have a deep appreciation and respect for all of God's creation. The simple beauties of nature are a constant reminder of God's power and majesty. But these sensibilities and the fact that the journal is my favorite color were not enough to persuade me to buy it.

I confess that I have something of an obsession with journals. There are currently enough empty journals lining a shelf in my room to keep me covered for at least the next three years. There is just so much potential in a blank journal, so much hope and excitement for the words, dreams, secrets, and prayers to come. Writing is a discovery process for me, allowing me to piece together the crazy-mixed up pieces of my mind. Re-reading old journals helps me learn from my mistakes and not make the same ones again. I could go on forever about the joys of journals. This is why I get so excited when I find really "me" journals, especially really "me" journals on clearance....But I didn't need it. I told myself so and was about to put the lovely greenery back on the shelf, but the quote on the front suddenly made so much sense for the journal, for Go Green, for life: "What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have never been discovered." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson.

I thought to myself, I discover by journaling...what are the weeds in my life, the dark spots in the garden of my heart that need the most tending? They are those sins and temptations that I constantly fall into, those people that I have the most trouble loving, those hurts, pains, and regrets that I don't seem to go away. Though these things take the form of life-sucking weeds in my eyes, to God, they are opportunities to work miracles. When I give them to Him in faith, He pulls them out and plants something much more beautiful and life-giving in its place. He makes all things new. There have been so many times when I wrote and wrote about the hideous weeds in my heart. I hurt, I cried, I begged God to take them away. He always did, but it was so slow and so quiet that I didn't even notice until months later when I re-read what I had written. I began to see and discover the virtues that God had given those weeds. He shed light on the tear-filled pages, and in His light, nothing is ugly. He is stronger than murderous weeds, so that in Him, even they can become flowers. Even our greatest mistakes and failures can be transformed by Love into His greatest victories.

I bought the journal with no more hesitation. As I drove home, I saw more clearly the way the tops of the green trees brushed against the brilliant blue sky, the way each tree stood in its unique beauty in the golden sunshine. I thanked God for the beautiful trees, and for the journals they had produced for me to record the words that He writes on my heart. When I got home and pulled out the journal, I thought, What is a flower? A plant whose virtues require rain to bloom so that they may shine in the light of the Son. I laughed and smiled up at God.

It's the little things.

The Return of Love: An Easter Challenge

He is risen! Alleluia!

When Jesus carried all of our heartache and all of our pain up Calvary, it died with Him. Now when we go to open up that corner of our hearts, it is empty! He has rolled away the stone, melting the winter of the heart into springtime, and He wants to make a new creation in us.

Easter is the perfect time for a renewal of the spirit. If a ball dropping in New York City in the middle of winter (when all you want to do is sleep and eat all the things you promised yourself you wouldn't eat anymore) isn't enough incentive for you to make resolutions, try Easter! Everything is fresh, new, clean. "He was pierced for our transgressions, and by His wounds we are healed." His wounds have healed you, His blood has purified you and made you clean. Now Christ has risen from the grave to bring you into glory with Him.

This Easter season, I challenge you to make new resolutions: weed the garden in your heart. Pull out the things in your life that are leading you to sin, or keeping you from loving as you should. Whether it be an inappropriate TV show that you're hooked on, the music you love that has a great beat but explicit lyrics, or just a bad habit that you can't seem to stop, take out the impurities that keep you from Him. It will be difficult, especially when society is trying to convince you there's nothing wrong with it. But with Him, all things are possible--He will give you the graces you need! All you have to do is choose Him, choose love! Weed your garden so that the seeds God has planted will have plenty of room to bloom.

I mean seriously, He really didn't want to go through all that suffering. He knelt in the garden of Gethsemane (sweating blood!) and begged the Father to take the task from Him. But He knew it was the only way to save us. So He did it: because He loves us. All He wants is for us to return His love, but He calls us each to love in different ways. How is He calling you to love?

He is calling me to love (if you couldn't guess by the examples) by asking me to detach myself from some of my favorite TV shows (I hadn't even realized how many I watched!) and some of the music I listen to. I realized that they do not in any way glorify Him, and actually make a mockery of the things He holds sacred (sex, love, etc.). They all tell lies, denying His Truth--no matter how much I might want to break down and dance! These have been difficult to give up, but He pulls me through, giving me the grace (and even the desire!) to keep my eyes on heaven. Whenever I begin to fall away from Him, I see an image of the Eucharist--His Bleeding Heart. It helps me in my resolve to be a victim of love. Then, rather than channel vulgar sitcom jokes and song lyrics through me, He can channel His Love! What joy!

May the joy of the risen Christ fill your heart, and may your Easter be filled with peace and blessings!

Where the Wild Rose Blooms....

One of my favorite images that Immaculee used to tell her story is that of planting seeds. My mom would always talk about that when I was growing up. Whenever I was made fun of or looked down upon for standing up for my beliefs, she would remind me, "You're just planting seeds. God will make them grow in His own time. You just have to trust in Him."

Trust. Isn't that one of the hardest things for us as humans, to give ourselves over in total surrender to God? And yet, it is the most important. In my experience that I wrote about in my first post, "The Single Purpose," I struggled a lot with the why. Why did God let this happen? I had prayed to Him to keep me from falling again, to keep my head above water so that I wouldn't drown in my dreams. I wanted to keep a firm grip on reality, and I prayed to Him for that. But I still fell. I couldn't understand why. I have never believed in unanswered prayers. I believe that God will sometimes tell us "No" in answer, but He never just leaves us hanging. So this was a particularly difficult one to grasp. I had asked God to prevent me from falling--something I know He was capable of doing. And yet, He allowed me to fall. Why?

I sought the answer. I decided to allow a small group of people pray with me about this. I had a void in my heart where my friend used to be, and I had been asking God to fill it, but I still felt so empty. The people told me that God is the Father, and sometimes He allows His children to suffer loneliness to remind them of heaven. This pain does not exist there, and all we need in order to get there is Him. Even if we can't see the earthly purpose for this pain, we have to trust that there is a purpose. Then they described the heart as a garden: Your heart is a garden, full of beautiful flowers of every kind--these are the things about you that make you beautiful. But there is still a plot that is only soil--this is the void you feel. To you, it is only a patch of dirt. You want something to grow here, but God is still preparing it. He is using your pain to fertilize the seeds beneath the soil, so that when the time comes, it will be the most fruitful and the most beautiful. You only need to ask God to come and fill this soil, to let Him shine His light and shower His graces on the soil. It is here that the wild rose will bloom!

I had so much peace after that, but there was still something I wasn't getting. About a week later, in the quiet of the night, I begged God for peace. I told Him that I understood there must be a purpose for this pain, that I knew He would make something beautiful grow there, but I was still so confused about why it had to happen the way it did. In that desperate hour, He allowed my heart to see. "You are Mine," He whispered. I cried and told Him, "I know, yes, I am Yours!" And then He said, "You would not trust Me." And there it was. Everything fell into place. I had presented Him with my desire for love, marriage, a family. He had told me I would have these things, but not yet. He wanted me to remain with Him on the beach a little while longer, but I was ready to plunge right in the crashing waves. I had said, like a spoiled, selfish child, "I want this, and I want it now." I could not give Him that trust that He wanted. I could not understand why He wanted me to wait when I was content to just settle down right then. But He said to me that night, "I have more for you."

There is so much joy, peace, and freedom in believing and trusting that the Lord has greater plans for us than we have for ourselves. It does not eliminate the pain, but it makes it bearable. Just as our love for God makes His pain on the cross bearable. When we embrace our crosses as He embraced His, we comfort Him, giving Him a purpose for the pain. A perfect prayer to say throughout the day when you begin to feel hopelessness creep in: "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24).

Also, I am surprised this hasn't come out yet, but I am a huge music buff. My dad always had a song for every occasion, so I suppose I got my passion for it from him. So, I will often have songs and lyrics to share with you. For this particular post, there is a beautiful Matt Maher song that I recently discovered that corresponds with this called "You Were On The Cross." He sings, "Where were You when all that I dreamed came crashing down in shambles around me? You were on the cross." I encourage you to look up the song! It really says everything!

Jesus, I trust in You!