Free to Live

As I drove around yesterday, I thought about how nice it would be to go visit a friend. I drove past the highway and wondered what it would be like to be able to just take that on-ramp and go, to have the time and money to go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Wouldn't it be nice to be a nomad, a pilgrim soul, travelling wherever the wind carried me, wherever my heart desired? Well, my scattered heart desires to go many places, but the wind seems to have stopped blowing my way. So far, none of my ideas for a new life have been viable, and I am not brave enough to pack my suitcase and step out into the big world alone. Until recently, I felt as if I were stuck in the mud in my hometown. A reality check reminded me that there are worse things.

The reality check came in the form of the death of a former classmate of mine, and the news of a health scare of a good friend. It's strange how much light death sheds on life, especially when death takes someone so young. As I sat with my high school friends at the funeral yesterday, I realized that the casket could have been for any one of us. We never know the day nor the hour when the Lord will call us home. This is not to say that we should constantly be afraid that our time is near, but that we should simply live life to fullest while we have the chance.

Of course, it is so easy to say that this is what we should do, but it's something entirely different to actually do it, especially when we are held back by certain limitations like school, jobs, family responsibilities, or lack of resources. When you see a twenty-three year old put in a box to go underground, you realize that life is short. We should make do with what we have everyday, rather than constantly wish things were different. It is difficult learning how to do this, especially considering the fact that I grew up believing in fairy-tales, believing that if I closed my eyes and clicked my heels together three times, I would wind up where I wanted to be.

Reality check: that only happens in Oz.

In Ohio, you work for what you want. You take on part-time jobs you hate to make enough money to get where you want to be. You take on each day as if you were taking on an army. I learn a little more each day about how to live the life I have, rather than complain that I am not where I want to be. I probably learned more in the last week than I have in the last several months. I took on the task of painting a ceiling, like Michaelangelo (minus the various colors and intricate details, but still...it was my own--plain white--Sistine Chapel). I covered the walls with a "wisp of smoke" tint to compliment the new bedspreads my mom bought. I helped clear farmland by moving large logs, branches, and playing the literal version of pick up sticks. I sat by a fire and made new friends over songs played on banjos under the stars and a full moon. I transplanted beet and collard green sprouts to flats fit for a patchwork greenhouse. I did things I never thought I would do, and I forgot about my worries and my fears. I simply lived.

While I lived, I felt the life springing from the center of my being, the point where Christ lives in my heart. I went to visit Him at the tabernacle in church yesterday and I laid down all of my sorrows and fears, everything that I was worried and anxious about--the girl who died and a friend whose health I feared for. I gave them to Jesus and I said, "I want to trust You, but all of these things are getting in the way. Remind me of Your love." And He did, but it struck me in a new way. Last year, I needed to be reminded that He cares for me deeply, that I am His, first and forever. Now, after all the experiences that have strengthened me and caused me to grow in the last year, God reminded me that we are all His, first and forever. My classmate who passed away, my family and my friends, my coworkers, all of the people who are important to me--all belong to Him. Whether or not they know, and whether or not they care, they are His to give and His to take away. My worries about those I love make no difference, but my prayers provide peace for me and assurance to God that I am placing my trust in Him. My prayers then become a channel of His grace, and I become a channel of His love.

It is difficult to constantly see that what we have here is a gift. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily, routinely nothings, to take everything for granted. But contained in each day is the potential to change a life, to make a difference, to spark a smile. Each person we encounter wants to love and be loved. But so many of us are afraid. So many of us fear taking that risk and making ourselves vulnerable. So many of us hide away for fear of being hurt. So many of us fear our love being rejected. And let's face it--we do get hurt, we are rejected. We are human beings in a human world and our love has limitations. But the Good Lord loves us with an abiding, merciful love--a perfect love. He covers the gaps in our imperfection with His perfection. His love always wins. When our love isn't big enough, His is. It really is. When we accept that, we are free--from worry, fear, anxiety--to truly and simply live.

It's beautiful, really.

The Way the Cookie Crumbled

Thanks to an incredible retreat I attended and the beautiful yellow roses my super awesome roommate surprised me with, I had a great Valentine's day last year (read about my experience in the post "Candy Hearts" from last March). It pretty much transformed my heart. It reminded me that the center and source of all love is not in any guy that might come along, but in the Sacred Heart of Jesus in the Eucharist. He gives His Heart to us at Mass everyday if we are willing and able to accept it. Everyday is Valentine's Day in the Catholic Church, when we are reminded of His incredible Love for us.

Remembering how much love I received last year on this day, I decided to make heart-shaped cookies as little gifts for a few people. This endeavor turned out to be an epic failure in the form of a pile of crumbled cookie with an odd cake-like texture. Even the dark chocolate M&Ms failed to redeem these miserable wafers. But I was able to see in my crumbled mess how utterly imperfect my human love is. My experiences in the last year really showed me that my love is not enough to change a heart. Only when I first embrace the Love that Christ has for me, for the Church, for the world, only when He increases and I decrease, can His love move through me and reach others. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).

I used to refer to this holiday as Single's Awareness Day, but it seems that this year it is the exact opposite. I am more aware now than ever that I am never alone, nor can I ever truly love anyone on my own. Christ is there waiting for me to accept His Heart, not just today but everyday. If I think for a second that I can do it alone, I'll end up with another pile of crumbled cookie. And honestly, nobody wants to eat that.

Happy Valentine's Day!

The Night Before He Died

I love Holy Week. It is the most beautiful time of prayer, when we come to the heart of the Church through the sacrifice of Christ. We remember how Christ gave His life for us, that we may live. Holy Thursday is the night on which He instituted the Eucharist, giving His Body and Blood to His disciples, and, in so doing, giving us His Sacred Heart.

He gave up His life in order to give us His Heart, to show us that He loves us to the point of death. Now His Heart seeks your love. Jesus said to His apostles, "My heart is nearly broken with sorrow. Remain here and stay awake with me." His Heart breaks for those He loves, even those who do not return His love! He breaks His Heart freely and gives it to us in the Eucharist. He sits in the cold, dark tabernacles of the world, suffering for every soul who does not love Him. Some of these tabernacles are in churches, and He invites you to sit with Him, to make an extra hour to stay awake and be His comfort, ease some of His pain, remind Him why it is all worth it. Some of these tabernacles are in the hearts of men who reject Him with their lifestyles. We are called to love them, to bring these souls to Him. It is through the Blessed Sacrament that He shows us how to love more perfectly and bring these souls to His Sacred Heart.

LOVE has come to show the way! Through prayer and the sacraments, we can learn the way of LOVE! Let us set aside those things that make us fall asleep or make us want to keep hitting "snooze." It is time for us to wake up, to be with Jesus, and to LOVE! (song for the night: "Wake Up," Danyew)

"Do you realize that Jesus is there in the tabernacle expressly for you--for you alone? He burns with the desire to come into your heart...don't listen to the demon, laugh at him and go without fear to receive the Jesus of peace and love." ~St. Therese

Candy Hearts

Valentine’s Day. Single’s Awareness Day. Or, as my five-year-old sister calls it, Love Day.

Whatever you want to call it, February 14^th really bothered me until this year. I always saw it as a silly secularized holiday celebrating romantic love (which society often confuses with lust). It seemed that if a man really loved a woman, he would find ways to appreciate her every other day of the year—isn’t that what anniversaries are for? Why is it necessary for there to be a day when all the couples in the world are allowed to revel in their love bubble all at the same time? It makes one acutely aware of her singleness. I suppose that if I had someone in my life, it would be different. I would want to celebrate love, too, with flowers and doilies and candy hearts.

As it is though, I see what society has made the holiday become, especially after seeing the film Valentine’s Day that came out earlier this year. It is clear that society and the media do not understand what love is. The movie was entertaining at times, and I admit it brought tears to my eyes more than once (it doesn’t really take much for me!), but it was severely lacking. Every time it seemed like it was about to say something decent or even remotely true about love, something vulgar or funny ruined the moment. Such is life, I suppose. Human love is never perfect. Society portrays us as having candy hearts. They are hard and empty of all satisfaction. Candy hearts ask for someone to “text me,” or “call me.” They affirm that “ur gr8,” or “ur hott.” I received one that said “be mine,” but when I took it and ate it, I was not satisfied.

This year, the night before Valentine’s Day, I attended BeLoved, a mini-retreat for the women on campus. We heard testimonies from a married woman, a Franciscan nun, and a student who is discerning/spent almost a year in a convent before deciding to come to Franciscan. They all spoke of loving God first (where I got the idea for this blog’s title!), and of the joy and peace that comes from following His will. It was an incredibly inspiring night, which ended with adoration and midnight Mass. The priest gave a beautiful homily saying, “He is madly, passionately in love with you, and that is not liberal or conservative—it's just the plain Truth.” Then he thanked us for taking our vocations as women seriously, and for beginning Valentine's Day with the One True Love—Jesus in the Eucharist! Only when we receive Him, will we be satisfied.

Oh, it was beautiful. It gave me a new perspective: The whole night I kept thinking how beautiful it is that we have a day to celebrate love! It may be a lame holiday promoted by greeting card companies and florists as one of the most profitable holidays of the year, but why can't we de-secularize it and make it a day to celebrate everyone that we love, and to especially celebrate God’s love for us? By celebrating with the Sacred Heart rather than candy hearts, we can mark it as a day to remember the source of all life and all love. *He gives us His heart at each Mass.* By coming to the Eucharist, we can receive Christ into our hearts and allow the graces of His love to fill and satisfy us. With this grace, we can share His love with others, especially those who have no one else to love them.

My little sister understands it (it’s that whole childlike confidence we are called to by St. Therese), as she decorates the walls with Disney princess valentine’s and heart stickers. It is Love Day, a day to renew our love for God and for everyone He has put into our lives, and to recognize that without Him and His sacrifice of love, we would have hard, candy hearts. But it is the fire and passion of His burning love for us that melts them into cushy, lovable hearts that say, "I am Yours, first and forever." And we will live with Him happily ever after....