I thirst.

As my thesis consumes my life, I find myself able only to think of vampire jokes (I'm writing a Catholic woman's perspective on the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer). I am going a little bit crazy inside this fantasy world, and I cannot wait to turn the paper in and escape back into reality!

Here is the irony of my life: I have been struggling to find a good intro, something from which the rest of my paper may flow. I am focusing on dreams and realities, and how the ultimate dream is to have eternal life, happily ever after with the One True Love. For a week I have been struggling to put my 20 pages of notes into coherent order. Today, I sat looking at a crucifix, telling God to speak through me. That's when I heard Jesus' last words whisper in my heart: "I thirst."

Duh.

I remembered a story I began to write in high school. It was a story based on my life, but I intended to make it more interesting. But it was the story of a girl seeking truth and love. I entitled it: "I Thirst: The story of a dry-cleaner's daughter." Of course, I thought the title was hilariously ironic because of its profound truth in my life. And suddenly, remembering that desire for truth and love at the age of seventeen made everything click together for me.

It makes sense: vampires thirst for blood, girls thirst for love, Jesus thirsts for us. Anyway, I have about 25 pages to write concerning all of this thirstiness. I just thought I'd share the revelation, as a little something to reflect on.

Love, love, love.

"You are a masterpiece of His love, wounded, disfigured by sin, but remade by the Redeemer, more beautiful than before." ~I Believe In Love

There are times in all of our lives when we become lonely or we find ourselves vulnerable to pain from past hurts, quietly missing what never came to be. Everyone has one of those nights every once in awhile--even married people--and some more than others. On one such night for me several months ago, I sat down at a table with my roommate in our campus student center. There on the table was a love letter from Jesus. Technically, it was written to Anne, the lay apostle (who'd I'd only recently heard about), but the words were exactly what I needed to hear. I felt that God had put the words there for me, speaking directly to my heart.

Jesus said to Anne (on November 1): "I am with you in your own suffering and I allow loneliness for every serving apostle because it is only through this loneliness that you understand how badly you need Me. Your loneliness then becomes a heavenly port in a storm of activity through which you draw graces down into the world. You see that you suffer. When you return to Me forever, you will see that your suffering, accepted in My name, advanced not only My intentions, but yours. Be at peace, little apostle. I am involved in all that occurs in your life. I am with you. I will not leave you."

These words brought so much peace to my heart! He uses our loneliness for good. It is in this loneliness that we are emptied of ourselves. We are called to give love to all we meet. When we let God love through us, when we choose love, He fills these empty places--the cracks and holes, the ugly plots of soil in the gardens of our hearts--with beautiful seeds of Love. He scatters these seeds with His hand, and in the quiet, echoing emptiness, these seeds take root. Their roots form around the pain, suffocating the hurt. His hands pat down the soil, and then His Grace rains down and His Love shines on your little garden. In His perfect timing, your heart will bloom: "...just as in nature all the seasons are arranged in such a way to make the humblest daisy bloom on a set day, in the same way, everything works out for the good of each soul." ~St. Therese, Story of a Soul.

Having heard God's message, having read His love letter, I have discovered a delightful (and much healthier!) alternative to eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half-Baked ice cream in front of a sappy romance: talking to God. He's always there, and He is using our pain for a greater purpose. He allows us to feel loneliness so that we may look forward to heaven and strive for it even more. It's okay to cry to Him and tell Him why we're upset--especially for women. He understands that this is necessary. He created us this way! But the bigger picture is that He is forming unique seeds of love within us. The process is painful, and sometimes downright unpleasant, but the outcome is an exquisite, unique flower with your name on it--a unique form of love from God through you to whoever you meet along your journey.

To smile through your tears, to say through the pain, "Jesus, I thank You for everything," is all He asks: "When He gives us something to suffer, said little Therese, it is because He wants a gift from us. What gift? A smile on the Cross....The most beautiful smiles are those which shine through tears, that we give in spite of ourselves." ~I Believe in Love. So SMILE, because Jesus loves you, a Masterpiece of His creation!

A perfect song is "One of Those Nights," by a talented Catholic artist (and good friend of mine!) Andrea Gleason. She sings: "It's one of those nights that I turn and look my fears in the face and I say, 'Go away, I don't want you back here. Go away, I won't let you back here.' It's one of those days that I know I'm gonna be okay, I'm gonna be alright, just fine." Check it out, along with other songs on her myspace, including her first single "You From Me," available exclusively on iTunes!--> http://www.myspace.com/andreaglea.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Girls' Night.

There was a time in my life when every night was a girls' night for me. My friends and I would order too much pizza and watch Breakfast at Tiffany's or 13 Going On 30. They would discuss their relationships, and each be texting their boyfriends at some point during the night; I would glance at my blank phone before shoveling more pizza in my face. Those were the days when all I wanted was a boyfriend. Not just because I was sick of being the third wheel, or the fifth wheel, or the seventh wheel. No, what I really wanted was an incentive to stop eating so much pizza, a face to look forward to seeing everyday (one that would also be happy to see me), an escape from the endless nights of all girls, an "In a Relationship With: [insert name here]" to replace the "Single" status on Facebook. But mostly, security--the promise of the future, hope that I would not end up alone.

Praise God those days are gone. Yes, most nights end up being girls' nights. But these are the kind that make me feel good to be a woman, the kind with glasses of wine and a classic Jane Austen story in BBC form. These provoke conversations and reflections on life and love, arguments over who gets Mr. Knightley and who gets Mr. Darcy, and jokes about who will get stuck with old Mr. Weston. And these conversations and reflections later lead my heart to God when I tell Him, "I know that you have something beautiful for me. I know that it is more uniquely beautiful to me than anything Jane Austen has ever written, because while she knows what a woman's heart longs for, only You know what will satisfy it." He pulls me closer in His arms and promises not to let go.

And praise God for the women in my life: the mother, sisters, roommates, friends, cousins, aunts, grandmothers, and household that He has blessed me with have been beautiful examples of womanhood to me. I value their presence in my life more now than ever and do not know what I would do without them. Soon enough God will send my own Mr. Knightley and I will have the rest of my life with him, wishing I could just have one more night with my girls. For now, I will treasure these nights and these moments with the beautiful women God has put in my path, and let Him draw me closer to Him.

Share the Love!

It can get to be something of a joke on our tiny Catholic campus, to say "Pray for me" or "I'll pray for you" concerning the littlest, seemingly insignificant things. Why would I ask someone to pray for me? None of my problems are that serious. It seemed their prayers would be better served for other things or people concerning more serious issues. Something I learned recently is the power and importance of asking others to pray for your intentions, or other intentions that you have been asked to pray for.

God taught me this through various people, beginning with my amazing roommate. She had an interview for a graduate program that she was very excited about. She asked (perhaps threatened would be a better word... ;-)) everyone at work to pray for her, even those who admitted that they don't pray. The next day, one of them asked me how her interview went. He admitted that he had actually prayed for her (for the first time in years), simply because he cares about her and wants to see her succeed. See what love God can shine through us? A man spoke to God for the first time in years simply because my roommate asked him to. Her powerful example got me thinking.

A couple weeks later, just before spring break, a friend asked me to pray a rosary for him everyday while he went on a mission trip. Because of his belief that my prayers would help, I committed myself to that daily rosary. While on break, I also found myself struggling internally with lies that the devil kept whispering in my ear. I could not shake them off, and as I prayed, I realized I could not do it alone. I texted a friend and e-mailed my mom (I believe firmly that a mother's prayers are the strongest!) to pray for me in my struggle. As soon as I did, I heard God say, "I got this. Don't worry about it; just enjoy yourself and know that I am here." I believed He did, and went on my way, enjoying the rest of break.

Today I went to my class and found a different professor there. He told us that due to health problems in the family, our professor had to cancel class, but had printed out detailed notes for us. I picked one up and something on the top letter caught my attention. He wrote that he did not initially intend to write of his family's health issues, but that he was missing an opportunity to ask for prayer. He kindly asked us then to pray for them as they go through this troubled time. So I ask you as well, whenever you happen to read this, please say a prayer for his family.

Prayer is so powerful when we truly believe and follow St. Therese's little way in trust. God uses even the smallest prayers to work miracles in souls. It is such a simple way to love, and it works out for everyone. God loves through us when we agree to pray others (and they appreciate our support!). He loves through us when we ask others to pray for us (and they appreciate being needed!). And of course, all the prayers we lift up in trust console the Heart of God.

Let the prayer chain grow--share the Love!

The Return of Love: An Easter Challenge

He is risen! Alleluia!

When Jesus carried all of our heartache and all of our pain up Calvary, it died with Him. Now when we go to open up that corner of our hearts, it is empty! He has rolled away the stone, melting the winter of the heart into springtime, and He wants to make a new creation in us.

Easter is the perfect time for a renewal of the spirit. If a ball dropping in New York City in the middle of winter (when all you want to do is sleep and eat all the things you promised yourself you wouldn't eat anymore) isn't enough incentive for you to make resolutions, try Easter! Everything is fresh, new, clean. "He was pierced for our transgressions, and by His wounds we are healed." His wounds have healed you, His blood has purified you and made you clean. Now Christ has risen from the grave to bring you into glory with Him.

This Easter season, I challenge you to make new resolutions: weed the garden in your heart. Pull out the things in your life that are leading you to sin, or keeping you from loving as you should. Whether it be an inappropriate TV show that you're hooked on, the music you love that has a great beat but explicit lyrics, or just a bad habit that you can't seem to stop, take out the impurities that keep you from Him. It will be difficult, especially when society is trying to convince you there's nothing wrong with it. But with Him, all things are possible--He will give you the graces you need! All you have to do is choose Him, choose love! Weed your garden so that the seeds God has planted will have plenty of room to bloom.

I mean seriously, He really didn't want to go through all that suffering. He knelt in the garden of Gethsemane (sweating blood!) and begged the Father to take the task from Him. But He knew it was the only way to save us. So He did it: because He loves us. All He wants is for us to return His love, but He calls us each to love in different ways. How is He calling you to love?

He is calling me to love (if you couldn't guess by the examples) by asking me to detach myself from some of my favorite TV shows (I hadn't even realized how many I watched!) and some of the music I listen to. I realized that they do not in any way glorify Him, and actually make a mockery of the things He holds sacred (sex, love, etc.). They all tell lies, denying His Truth--no matter how much I might want to break down and dance! These have been difficult to give up, but He pulls me through, giving me the grace (and even the desire!) to keep my eyes on heaven. Whenever I begin to fall away from Him, I see an image of the Eucharist--His Bleeding Heart. It helps me in my resolve to be a victim of love. Then, rather than channel vulgar sitcom jokes and song lyrics through me, He can channel His Love! What joy!

May the joy of the risen Christ fill your heart, and may your Easter be filled with peace and blessings!

Holy Saturday

Today we continue to reflect on the Passion and death of our Lord, remembering our sins that put Him on the cross. It's a beautiful thing to reflect on the ways in which we hurt Him and then to bring those to the tomb with repentant hearts at the Easter Vigil. Then, when we find the tomb empty, we can leave our sins behind and follow the risen Christ!

The One True Love

While on retreat, we focused on being victims of love. The whole theme fit perfectly with Good Friday, the day that we remember Christ's sacrifice of Love on the Cross. This is some of my reflection from the retreat. I would like to offer a special thanks to all my beautiful sisters and our excellent guest speaker who gave the talks and allowed God to speak through them!

"I want this love which men reject. I open my heart wide to the Divine Love. Let it invade me, let it burn me, let it consume my heart completely. Thus I shall console my divine Savior. Thus I shall die a victim of love, immolated in this ocean of flames." ~from St. Therese's "Act of Oblation to Merciful Love"

He is the Divine Furnace of Love. We come as we are and He will cleanse us by purifying our hearts. Sometimes He uses suffering to purify our hearts--He knows exactly what He is doing! When we broke off into small groups, one of my sisters prayed for God to purify our hearts. I looked down at my water bottle and read the bold word, "Purified." It was as if God were telling me, "Done. Aaand done!" In a sense, I felt the reference to my past heartache, that God has purified me of the suffering. I no longer felt it negatively; rather, I felt the effects of it, the change that God had made take place in my heart. I felt the wild roses blooming--flowers from My Love. But I also felt the reference to all of humanity: He has already purified us. By His passion and death, He has washed us clean of our guilt by His Blood.

A beautiful image given by one of our sisters: Imagine that you are kneeling at the foot of the cross with Mary, Our Mother. You suffer as she suffers watching the Blood of Christ pour out of His wounds, from His hands, His feet, the places where the crown of thorns has pierced His sacred head. These are wounds He received fighting for your love! Let the Blood wash over you, cleanse you of your sins, purify your heart. This is His Divine Mercy. His Mercy is greater than our sins, breaking down the walls of all that keeps us from Him.

"Don't you know you take His breath away? Because He is madly, deeply in Love with you!" He died for us out of love for us, Loved us until His last breath. His Love for us literally took His breath away! He is the One True Love! (Click on the link for a video to the song "True Love," by Phil Wickham--the perfect Good Friday/Easter song!) Let us seek to be His victims of love, to let His Mercy wash us clean and His Love to flow through us. He calls us to love as He Loved, to set the world ablaze with love!

One way we can do this is by praying the Divine Mercy Novena (for more information on the Divine Mercy devotion, click here). It begins today (Good Friday) and ends on Divine Mercy Sunday. I will be posting the specific prayers for each day on this blog (see "pages"), if you'd like to come here for a reference!

The Night Before He Died

I love Holy Week. It is the most beautiful time of prayer, when we come to the heart of the Church through the sacrifice of Christ. We remember how Christ gave His life for us, that we may live. Holy Thursday is the night on which He instituted the Eucharist, giving His Body and Blood to His disciples, and, in so doing, giving us His Sacred Heart.

He gave up His life in order to give us His Heart, to show us that He loves us to the point of death. Now His Heart seeks your love. Jesus said to His apostles, "My heart is nearly broken with sorrow. Remain here and stay awake with me." His Heart breaks for those He loves, even those who do not return His love! He breaks His Heart freely and gives it to us in the Eucharist. He sits in the cold, dark tabernacles of the world, suffering for every soul who does not love Him. Some of these tabernacles are in churches, and He invites you to sit with Him, to make an extra hour to stay awake and be His comfort, ease some of His pain, remind Him why it is all worth it. Some of these tabernacles are in the hearts of men who reject Him with their lifestyles. We are called to love them, to bring these souls to Him. It is through the Blessed Sacrament that He shows us how to love more perfectly and bring these souls to His Sacred Heart.

LOVE has come to show the way! Through prayer and the sacraments, we can learn the way of LOVE! Let us set aside those things that make us fall asleep or make us want to keep hitting "snooze." It is time for us to wake up, to be with Jesus, and to LOVE! (song for the night: "Wake Up," Danyew)

"Do you realize that Jesus is there in the tabernacle expressly for you--for you alone? He burns with the desire to come into your heart...don't listen to the demon, laugh at him and go without fear to receive the Jesus of peace and love." ~St. Therese