Breaking Down the Dream

"Woe to the complacent..." The words struck me at Mass today. The theme of all the readings was a call to action. It seemed that a passionate homily should follow, something that would inspire me into action. Instead, two men stood up to talk for Stewardship Sunday. The first one spoke about the parish budget. He assured us that the parish is financially stable, and that we can finally start raising money for the playground "we have wanted for years." Really?

I have been thinking lately about how comfortable my life has been. I have always had everything I needed and more. Food, shelter, education, a loving family. For a long time, I complained about not having the one thing I wanted most--the love of a man. When I saw the negative implications of this dream and the unhealthy mindset, I woke myself up. I have come a long way, but now I see that that was only a dream within a dream. My whole life has been a dream, a false security. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful for the life I was born into and the many blessings I have received. But now that I am fairly grown up, I can see that it is no longer enough.

Every once in awhile on retreats or at spiritual gatherings, I felt a fire, a burning passion inside me. But the mundane, lukewarm routine of my life always seemed to douse the flame down to a tiny flicker, part of the natural course of spiritual highs and lows. The flicker remains, a tiny burst of thirst inside of me that can never be quenched, even in my deepest sleep. I want to make a change in the world, but how?

My mother in all her wit always says jokingly, "Who cares about apathy anyway?" I think her joke has truth in it, though. More and more these days I see people care about their nice homes, their yards, the playgrounds at their children's schools, even celebrity gossip. But no one seems to care that there is no passion. No one cares that we live lifestyles of apathy to the world's needs. Death is merely a far off inevitability. We do everything in our power to prolong our dreaming lives. We live in security, taking no real risks for the good of our souls. We press snooze: "Yes, I should stop watching this TV show because it makes a mockery of everything I believe in, but I want to see what happens in the next episode...and the next episode...and the next season..." "Yes, I should get out of this unhealthy relationship, but then I'll be alone..."

The Church is even at a standstill, full of complacent people who "don't need God" because they have everything necessary for a comfortable life. Church has become an obligation, rather than a passion. Last weekend, I went to a Matt Maher/Tenth Avenue North concert, shortly after finishing Francis Chan's book Crazy Love. I found more passion and heard more truth at that concert and in that book than I have in years at my home parish. They spoke of faith in a positive way. We shouldn't do things to avoid hell or to achieve heaven, but because we want to out of love for God. The tiny flicker in my heart began burning brighter.

Life is short, and I don't want to spend what I have left of it wasting away on Facebook or withering away in front of the TV. I want everything I do to be for the glory of God. I want to live a life of crazy love. I cannot be complacent knowing that women my age and younger are being sold into prostitution. I cannot be complacent knowing that 4,000 babies are murdered in the U.S. daily. I cannot be complacent knowing that God died for me so that I can be saved from the sinful life I have been leading: “If we come to the point of comprehending that we are loved to a supreme, unimaginable degree, unto silent, gratuitous, cruel death, to the point of total immolation by Him whom we do not even know, or if we have known Him, whom we have denied and offended; if we come to the point of comprehending that we are the objects of such a love, of so great a love, we cannot remain complacent…” I Believe in Love.

The Lonely Life of a Single Grain

"Unless a grain of wheat falls on the ground and dies, it remains but a single grain with no life."

The single grain cannot embrace the Farmer's will. She recognizes His power, but she fears following Him into the field. She fears death. She has her own ideas and dreams for her life--pretty, happy, safe. While she sits with her dreams, she is lonely. She is stuck inside of herself. All that is within her longs to be free, to live. But she holds back, keeping it for herself and using it to fuel her dreams. She knows that she cannot live in her dreams forever, but she sees no escape.

The years go by and she watches her friends begin to follow the farmer, two by two. The Farmer beckons to her, "Come, follow me." The single grain hesitates. She watches her friends pair off as they enter the field. She tells the Farmer about her dreams, that she wants to follow Him but she does not want to go without someone to walk with. He tells her gently, "Walk with Me." She stumbles along the way and He picks her up. She fits securely in the palm of His hand. He tells her of His love, that He desires her to be happy. "I know the plans I have for you," He says. "Plans for good and not for harm, plans to give you a future filled with hope."

"But you said we must first fall on the ground and die," the single grain whispers.

The Farmer nods. "Yes, you will fall. And there will be pain, but the pain will fertilize the soil. From this, I will give you a new life. You will no longer be a single grain, but part of a field of beautiful, golden wheat. I will not abandon you, but will nurture you until you are ready for the harvest."

They reach the field and the Farmer asks her, "Are you ready?" Keeping her eyes on Him, she nods. Rather than drop her, He sets her gently on the ground. Suddenly, she sees all of her dreams in front of her, but she can no longer hold onto them. They slip away from her and are replaced for a time with a great sense of pain and loss. She cries, but the sun dries her face and warms the cold pieces of her heart. The rain cleanses her of her old life as a lonely, single grain. Then one day, she looks around and notices that she is a new creation, part of a larger, golden wheat plant. She is no longer alone. She joins the rest of the wheat field in waving in the breeze, praising the Farmer for keeping His promise as they wait for the harvest.

* * *

Today is the feast day of St. Irenaeus who said, "The glory of God is man fully alive." When we give God our desires and allow Him to work through our weaknesses, His glory is made manifest and we are made more alive. As single grains, we can do nothing, but with God, we can do all things.

Take Love With You

I recently watched the American classic You Can't Take It With You, winner of Best Picture at the 1939 Oscars. It was a charming film about a girl who feared her future in-laws (a famously wealthy banker and his wife) meeting her quirky middle-class family. The film was enjoyable, but it also carried a strong message concerning materialism, family, and living life to the fullest. At one point, the girl's grandfather says to the banker of his money: "You can't take it with you, Mr. Kirby. So what good is it? As near as I can see, the only thing you can take with you is the love of your friends." In today's society there is this tendency toward a consumerist mentality like Mr. Kirby's. We have all become so comfortable in the things that we can't take with us.

Even in the Church, there is a mentality of being "backseat Catholics." We attend Mass, follow the rules, and no one gets hurt. I once heard a priest relate this mentality to having a crush on someone. When a girl has a crush on a guy, she anxiously anticipates the next time she will see him again. When she does see him, her face lights up, her heart beats wildly, and her admiration is evident in her smile. Yet so often when we approach the altar to receive the One True Love in communion, we look--and probably are--bored. Where is the passion? Where is the love that will lead souls to God? We become comfortable in the routine, and fail to comprehend the Truth: that we are receiving into ourselves His Precious Blood and most Sacred Heart. The Host transforms us into living tabernacles.

As is written in I Believe in Love (a book based on the spirituality of St. Therese of Lisieux), "from the tabernacles of the world come forth rays of divine light, parts of the sun of love, which touch and enlighten souls. Be a praying and loving host, and you will send forth rays like the Host, and God will give you all those who 'voyage' with you, your neighbors, all those whom you love and whose salvation you ardently desire." When we believe in His saving power with humble trust and confidence, we become beacons of love that leads others home. Yes, love is the one thing we can take with us, and with it, we bring souls.

In This 23rd Beautiful Year

I just had my 23rd birthday. College graduation is in two days. Whenever I imagined these days coming, I assumed there would be a man with me through it all. My mom had me when she was 23. My older sister got married when she was 23. It made sense to me that there would be someone in my life when I was 23, someone who held some small hope or promise for the future.

Thinking along those lines always made my future seem more secure. I lived a normal, straightforward life up until I left for college: stable home life, Catholic grade school, Catholic high school, worked part time at the family business. I was heading off to the same Catholic college that my older siblings attended. It only seemed natural that I would find a nice Catholic boy and settle down. Wouldn't that be nice?

I think even then, in a small corner of my heart, I heard God chuckling at my plans.

I feared that chuckle, that other path He was planning for my life. I let satan's lies make me feel insecure about my relationship status, even with my family. I thought there must be something wrong with me since I had never brought a boy home to meet the fam. It wasn't until recently, when God reminded me that I am His, first and forever, I realized that as much as I admire them and wish to be like them, I am not my mom or my sister.

I am me.

I think that was the moment I realized I have no idea who I am. I always focused so much on what I wanted and what I didn't have that I didn't take the opportunity to enjoy what I do have. God has made me uniquely beautiful and He has a specific purpose for me, for my life, for my heart. He has much greater plans than I had for myself. Not to say that they are greater plans than those He has for my mom and my sister--they're just different.

Now I am about to graduate, single, unattached, free as a little bird. I can fly wherever the wind takes me and wherever God wants me.

Ah! what joy and peace!

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Girls' Night.

There was a time in my life when every night was a girls' night for me. My friends and I would order too much pizza and watch Breakfast at Tiffany's or 13 Going On 30. They would discuss their relationships, and each be texting their boyfriends at some point during the night; I would glance at my blank phone before shoveling more pizza in my face. Those were the days when all I wanted was a boyfriend. Not just because I was sick of being the third wheel, or the fifth wheel, or the seventh wheel. No, what I really wanted was an incentive to stop eating so much pizza, a face to look forward to seeing everyday (one that would also be happy to see me), an escape from the endless nights of all girls, an "In a Relationship With: [insert name here]" to replace the "Single" status on Facebook. But mostly, security--the promise of the future, hope that I would not end up alone.

Praise God those days are gone. Yes, most nights end up being girls' nights. But these are the kind that make me feel good to be a woman, the kind with glasses of wine and a classic Jane Austen story in BBC form. These provoke conversations and reflections on life and love, arguments over who gets Mr. Knightley and who gets Mr. Darcy, and jokes about who will get stuck with old Mr. Weston. And these conversations and reflections later lead my heart to God when I tell Him, "I know that you have something beautiful for me. I know that it is more uniquely beautiful to me than anything Jane Austen has ever written, because while she knows what a woman's heart longs for, only You know what will satisfy it." He pulls me closer in His arms and promises not to let go.

And praise God for the women in my life: the mother, sisters, roommates, friends, cousins, aunts, grandmothers, and household that He has blessed me with have been beautiful examples of womanhood to me. I value their presence in my life more now than ever and do not know what I would do without them. Soon enough God will send my own Mr. Knightley and I will have the rest of my life with him, wishing I could just have one more night with my girls. For now, I will treasure these nights and these moments with the beautiful women God has put in my path, and let Him draw me closer to Him.