The Great Catch

I remember a night a couple years ago when I was telling my friends about how a guy I had a crush on just started dating someone. One of my friends told me, "He's just a goldfish. You want like, a barracuda or something." She was right, but I often find myself attracted to the goldfish, wishing they would become "barracudas or something." Kina Grannis puts it perfectly in "The Goldfish Song:" "I feel defeated again/ I'm always losing to myself/....I had the right intentions/Sometimes my hope envelops me/And I can't learn the lesson/Not to send a goldfish to the sea."

This is the problem I have with crushes: I see a guy and create this idea of who he is in my head. In reality he is just a "goldfish," but I try to send him to the sea and make him "a barracuda or something." I get so discouraged sometimes, wondering if I'll ever find the right guy. I feel just like Peter, fishing all night and catching nothing. I have faith though, that in the morning light, Jesus will appear on the shore and tell me to cast my nets on the other side. There, in His time, I will reel in "the great catch."

In the meantime, rather than lay in the boat dreaming of that day, I will do better learning to focus my thoughts on God, how I can serve and love Him in the little things, rather than how I'll catch my...fish.

When God Writes Your Love Story

As you may have noticed, I have recently been struggling with boy-craziness/crushes. I blame this on the fact that I am trying to figure out the rest of my life and I had always hoped that a young man would be by my side during all of it. Clearly, that is not God's will for me right now, but I have been trying to take the pen out of His hand. I scribble down my own dreams and say, "See, this would be cute, wouldn't it?" He never seems to agree....

My mom once asked me when I was freaking out about several different guys at once, "Don't you think God already knows who you're going to marry?"

I stopped and realized that yes, God already has someone in mind for me. "Well, yeah."

Mom said bluntly,"Well, then don't you think He wants you to shut up?"

I always think about that when I begin to get boy-crazy or get a crush. But I still can't help but wonder when a boy comes along, "Could this be him?"

A few years ago, my mom handed me a book called, When God Writes Your Love Story. I recall reading the title and telling her, "Yeah, He is writing it, and it's boring," then tossing the book bitterly to the back of my closet. The title caught my eye recently as I cleaned out twenty-three years worth of collected junk from my closet. This time, because of all that I have learned and experienced in the last few years, I was intrigued, excited, giddy: isn't this exactly what the idea behind my blog is? Letting God write the story, and letting Him live in our hearts?

I was excited to begin reading, but I was busy helping one of my best friends prepare for her wedding, which took place this past weekend. As a bridesmaid, I helped fold programs, alphabetize place cards, make her laugh, etc. The day was so full of love and fun that I got caught up in the romance. I formed a few crushes, actually. The next day, we became Facebook friends and moved on with our separate lives, but I could not get them out of my head, and I actually began to lose hope in love because I figured that these would end like every other crush: in nothing. Between constant Facebook checks, I finally began reading the book by married couple Eric and Leslie Ludy.

The book provides a beautiful and perfect depiction of the kind of relationships and romance that God wants for us. God desires us to trust in Him, to hold out for the One He has chosen, to let Him write our love stories. This doesn't mean sitting by idly waiting for Prince Charming to show up with our missing shoe--that's boring. It means actively growing closer to God, letting Him love us, forgive us, and form us according to His will. It means putting God, the Author of romance, back in the center of our lives. Basically, the book said everything that I ever wanted to say in this blog, everything I wanted my thesis to become, everything I want to live. Now I am more consciously aware of the way God has been working in my heart and writing the pages and chapters of my life, ever since I was a silly little first grader, drawing with my crayons, dreaming of my future, and writing down my plans. I want to continue to grow, to love, to be who He created me to be.

More than anything, I do not ever want to lose hope in love again. I have come to see that even when I fall, God always saves me from losing myself in the boy-crazy mindset. And even though no crush ends in a relationship, these souls are added to my list of instrumental people along my journey, and I pray for them daily! I know that I will fall again at some point, but I also know that God is in control. I consciously gave Him the pen to my story about two and a half years ago, and even though I try to sneak the pen away from Him sometimes, He holds on tight. In the meantime, I must learn to seek His will everyday, to love and give, to hold on to hope in love. At times, it will be hard and lonely, but in the end, even if He does not have an earthly romance in store for me, the divine romance in heaven will be gloriously lovely.

Read the book!

I had to re-read my own post from June 19, because in those three weeks, there have been countless crushes coming and going in my life.

One day. One day these silly feelings will be transformed into a love beyond my dreams. That is what I must hope in.

His grace is sufficient.

Little flowers need rain as much as sunshine.

Crushes are so irritating. These thorns in your side sneak up on you when you least suspect it and there's often nothing you can do to stop thinking about that certain guy. Even in my twenties, I fall back into this vicious cycle of wondering about guys who are practically strangers: "Could this cute, holy guy be the One?" I pray and beg God to take these obnoxious thoughts away. Why do I keep thinking about a guy whose name I don't even know? Seriously. It's ridiculous.

Or is it? I often fall for guys and they distract me, making me lose my focus. But they certainly make me pray more! And looking back, God has used this weakness of mine in huge ways to bring me closer to Him, to teach me about myself, and even to show me His will. From these thorns bloom the most beautiful roses.

One of my household sisters texted me this passage yesterday:

"And to keep me from being too elated by the abundance of revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it should leave me; but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

St. Therese talks about this a lot, about our weaknesses being good in that they bring us closer to God. If we had no weaknesses, we would have no need of Him. But weakness causes us to rely on Him and increases our trust in Him. He uses this trust to perform miracles, to move mountains in the hearts of men. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, crushes, separations, and loneliness; for when I am weak, then I am strong. I admit I still haven't found a way to get rid of silly crushes, but as I think my silly thoughts, I look to God and tell Him I can't do it alone. He usually shines some light on the situation, allowing me a small revelation that teaches me to love better. Eventually I get over it and life goes on, a little bit more joyful than before. I am also a little bit more me than before.

His grace falls like rain to make the little flowers grow.

Take Love With You

I recently watched the American classic You Can't Take It With You, winner of Best Picture at the 1939 Oscars. It was a charming film about a girl who feared her future in-laws (a famously wealthy banker and his wife) meeting her quirky middle-class family. The film was enjoyable, but it also carried a strong message concerning materialism, family, and living life to the fullest. At one point, the girl's grandfather says to the banker of his money: "You can't take it with you, Mr. Kirby. So what good is it? As near as I can see, the only thing you can take with you is the love of your friends." In today's society there is this tendency toward a consumerist mentality like Mr. Kirby's. We have all become so comfortable in the things that we can't take with us.

Even in the Church, there is a mentality of being "backseat Catholics." We attend Mass, follow the rules, and no one gets hurt. I once heard a priest relate this mentality to having a crush on someone. When a girl has a crush on a guy, she anxiously anticipates the next time she will see him again. When she does see him, her face lights up, her heart beats wildly, and her admiration is evident in her smile. Yet so often when we approach the altar to receive the One True Love in communion, we look--and probably are--bored. Where is the passion? Where is the love that will lead souls to God? We become comfortable in the routine, and fail to comprehend the Truth: that we are receiving into ourselves His Precious Blood and most Sacred Heart. The Host transforms us into living tabernacles.

As is written in I Believe in Love (a book based on the spirituality of St. Therese of Lisieux), "from the tabernacles of the world come forth rays of divine light, parts of the sun of love, which touch and enlighten souls. Be a praying and loving host, and you will send forth rays like the Host, and God will give you all those who 'voyage' with you, your neighbors, all those whom you love and whose salvation you ardently desire." When we believe in His saving power with humble trust and confidence, we become beacons of love that leads others home. Yes, love is the one thing we can take with us, and with it, we bring souls.