The Lonely Life of a Single Grain

"Unless a grain of wheat falls on the ground and dies, it remains but a single grain with no life."

The single grain cannot embrace the Farmer's will. She recognizes His power, but she fears following Him into the field. She fears death. She has her own ideas and dreams for her life--pretty, happy, safe. While she sits with her dreams, she is lonely. She is stuck inside of herself. All that is within her longs to be free, to live. But she holds back, keeping it for herself and using it to fuel her dreams. She knows that she cannot live in her dreams forever, but she sees no escape.

The years go by and she watches her friends begin to follow the farmer, two by two. The Farmer beckons to her, "Come, follow me." The single grain hesitates. She watches her friends pair off as they enter the field. She tells the Farmer about her dreams, that she wants to follow Him but she does not want to go without someone to walk with. He tells her gently, "Walk with Me." She stumbles along the way and He picks her up. She fits securely in the palm of His hand. He tells her of His love, that He desires her to be happy. "I know the plans I have for you," He says. "Plans for good and not for harm, plans to give you a future filled with hope."

"But you said we must first fall on the ground and die," the single grain whispers.

The Farmer nods. "Yes, you will fall. And there will be pain, but the pain will fertilize the soil. From this, I will give you a new life. You will no longer be a single grain, but part of a field of beautiful, golden wheat. I will not abandon you, but will nurture you until you are ready for the harvest."

They reach the field and the Farmer asks her, "Are you ready?" Keeping her eyes on Him, she nods. Rather than drop her, He sets her gently on the ground. Suddenly, she sees all of her dreams in front of her, but she can no longer hold onto them. They slip away from her and are replaced for a time with a great sense of pain and loss. She cries, but the sun dries her face and warms the cold pieces of her heart. The rain cleanses her of her old life as a lonely, single grain. Then one day, she looks around and notices that she is a new creation, part of a larger, golden wheat plant. She is no longer alone. She joins the rest of the wheat field in waving in the breeze, praising the Farmer for keeping His promise as they wait for the harvest.

* * *

Today is the feast day of St. Irenaeus who said, "The glory of God is man fully alive." When we give God our desires and allow Him to work through our weaknesses, His glory is made manifest and we are made more alive. As single grains, we can do nothing, but with God, we can do all things.

Little flowers need rain as much as sunshine.

Crushes are so irritating. These thorns in your side sneak up on you when you least suspect it and there's often nothing you can do to stop thinking about that certain guy. Even in my twenties, I fall back into this vicious cycle of wondering about guys who are practically strangers: "Could this cute, holy guy be the One?" I pray and beg God to take these obnoxious thoughts away. Why do I keep thinking about a guy whose name I don't even know? Seriously. It's ridiculous.

Or is it? I often fall for guys and they distract me, making me lose my focus. But they certainly make me pray more! And looking back, God has used this weakness of mine in huge ways to bring me closer to Him, to teach me about myself, and even to show me His will. From these thorns bloom the most beautiful roses.

One of my household sisters texted me this passage yesterday:

"And to keep me from being too elated by the abundance of revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it should leave me; but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

St. Therese talks about this a lot, about our weaknesses being good in that they bring us closer to God. If we had no weaknesses, we would have no need of Him. But weakness causes us to rely on Him and increases our trust in Him. He uses this trust to perform miracles, to move mountains in the hearts of men. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, crushes, separations, and loneliness; for when I am weak, then I am strong. I admit I still haven't found a way to get rid of silly crushes, but as I think my silly thoughts, I look to God and tell Him I can't do it alone. He usually shines some light on the situation, allowing me a small revelation that teaches me to love better. Eventually I get over it and life goes on, a little bit more joyful than before. I am also a little bit more me than before.

His grace falls like rain to make the little flowers grow.

Love Is A Verb

Two weeks ago, I decided that my addiction to coffee was out of control. I had begun drinking it like water, and I no longer enjoyed it. That and my tight grocery budget no longer had room to accommodate it. Because of these and several other reasons, I quit. I decided that I could offer it up for several prayer intentions. I have never been good at fasting, so I figured this might make up for all the times I failed at it in the past.

For the first few days, I felt okay, though not very lively. At random times during the day, I craved coffee out of boredom, or I felt I needed it even when there was no physical pain. It was like I was saying goodbye to an old friend. It was sad. The third day the headaches began. I attempted to appease the pain with ibuprofen, decaf coffee, and other forms of caffeine. Nothing was quite the same. I was not quite the same.

The days seemed longer. I took more naps. I tried to exercise, but I had little motivation. In fact, I had little motivation to do anything. On top of the lethargy, I missed my friends who had graduated and left me. I found that, while I am a very shy person, I had become more so. I was stuck even further inside of myself, unable to come out of my shell and love as I should. I began to wonder how anyone can survive without coffee. Is it possible? I wondered if being dependent on coffee is all that bad. Certainly if it helps me overcome obstacles like social awkwardness it can't be all that bad... And maybe it's not. I don't know all the health facts. All I know is that for me, I was sick of it, so why should I keep drinking it?

It has now been two weeks since I made my decision. I celebrated today by having a cup (half decaf!). It was pleasant sitting with my old friend. I had missed it. I've been trying to figure out how God wants me to love through my shyness and without this stimulant. The energy from today's celebratory cup of love sent a shock through my veins. It inspired me further to learn how to love without being prompted by a drug. In two weeks, I can have another cup of coffee, but I will no longer be at Franciscan. I need to stop waiting it out and start living it up.

Love is a verb!--that means hugs, not drugs!

A Love Letter

Last week, I became frustrated with myself for falling once again into an annoying habitual sin that I had confessed only a week and a half ago. I knew that God would forgive me once again in His infinite mercy, but because of my schedule, I didn't think I would get to go to confession for another month. Saddened by the thought, I continued on to daily Mass early for a little extra preparation. When I walked in the Church, a priest was hearing confessions for a handful of people who had asked him. I slipped into line and received the sacrament, feeling God's mercy washing over me.

I was so thankful and so humbled that the Lord wanted to purify me as much as I wanted to be purified. Tears trickled down my cheeks as I knelt and prayed before Mass. I imagined myself as the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and dried them with her hair, thanking Jesus for His infinite mercy. The days following my confession were difficult, as if God used the little sufferings of my days to continue to purify my heart and offer me opportunities for reparation. I failed to see this until I was at Mass today and heard the Gospel of the woman washing Jesus' feet with her tears. It was like a little love letter from Jesus--a correspondence between two hearts.

This is not the first time an opportunity for confession opened itself up to me in such an immediate way, but all of this confirmed in me the necessity to have humble confidence in His Divine Mercy. I see in a new light how our Lord thirsts for us, and longs for us to come to him in this sacrament of Reconciliation. One night when my heart hurt from the pain of my love being rejected, I cried out to Jesus. He responded gently, "I know how you feel. That is how I feel for every soul who rejects My Love." I saw Him on the cross, thirsting for love. Just as I--and maybe you--thirst for the love of another human being, He thirsts for the love of all of us.

He told St. Faustina: "The flames of mercy are burning Me. I desire to pour them out upon human souls. Oh, what pain they cause Me when they do not want to accept them!" He tells us this, encouraging us to come to Him with our miseries, our habitual sins, our weakness, our attachments. He desires to lavish His love and His mercy upon us. He finds rest in forgiving us, since He is able to pour out His love on us. His flames of mercy transform evil into something good. No sin is too big or too bad for the fire of His love.

When Two Souls Go Walking

The other day, one of my household sisters called me to see if I would like to go for a walk and pray the rosary with her. I was delighted by the invitation and off we went. As we walked through the old, overgrown golf courses behind our campus, the sun showered its warm rays on us. I saw our dark shadows in the green grass--two souls trying to become saints. And even though I could not see a third shadow, I felt God's presence around us, because when two or more gather in His name, He is there.

When I walked with my sister, I felt like I was walking with a saint. God certainly worked through her to speak to me and touch my heart. He speaks through others a lot. And he often uses the most unlikely people in my life--people who probably have no idea that He is using them. They all leave footprints on my heart, like this household sister. It is always a little sad when they are no longer in my life, but I know that I will see them again someday, if not in this life, then in the next. In their absence, it is necessary to find other souls who will walk with us along the journey of faith. That way, when we reach heaven, they'll all be right there with us!

Take Love With You

I recently watched the American classic You Can't Take It With You, winner of Best Picture at the 1939 Oscars. It was a charming film about a girl who feared her future in-laws (a famously wealthy banker and his wife) meeting her quirky middle-class family. The film was enjoyable, but it also carried a strong message concerning materialism, family, and living life to the fullest. At one point, the girl's grandfather says to the banker of his money: "You can't take it with you, Mr. Kirby. So what good is it? As near as I can see, the only thing you can take with you is the love of your friends." In today's society there is this tendency toward a consumerist mentality like Mr. Kirby's. We have all become so comfortable in the things that we can't take with us.

Even in the Church, there is a mentality of being "backseat Catholics." We attend Mass, follow the rules, and no one gets hurt. I once heard a priest relate this mentality to having a crush on someone. When a girl has a crush on a guy, she anxiously anticipates the next time she will see him again. When she does see him, her face lights up, her heart beats wildly, and her admiration is evident in her smile. Yet so often when we approach the altar to receive the One True Love in communion, we look--and probably are--bored. Where is the passion? Where is the love that will lead souls to God? We become comfortable in the routine, and fail to comprehend the Truth: that we are receiving into ourselves His Precious Blood and most Sacred Heart. The Host transforms us into living tabernacles.

As is written in I Believe in Love (a book based on the spirituality of St. Therese of Lisieux), "from the tabernacles of the world come forth rays of divine light, parts of the sun of love, which touch and enlighten souls. Be a praying and loving host, and you will send forth rays like the Host, and God will give you all those who 'voyage' with you, your neighbors, all those whom you love and whose salvation you ardently desire." When we believe in His saving power with humble trust and confidence, we become beacons of love that leads others home. Yes, love is the one thing we can take with us, and with it, we bring souls.

He Listens.

In the past year, I have lived in four different homes, all within the same town. This instability taught me that where I am does not matter nearly as much as who I am. Because I struggle with shyness, I often have trouble being myself in uncomfortable settings and situations. But settings change, characters come and go. What remains the same is who we are.

Of course, the concept of who we are is something of an enigma, especially during the constant instability and growth that we experience in four years of college. We slip, we fall, we make mistakes and forget who we are meant to be. These experiences strengthen us and change us, but at the center of it all, we remain masterpiece's of the Father's creation. Even when sin disfigures us, He transforms us in the flames of His mercy. He has given each of us a life and a unique voice. It is up to us, by His grace, to discover that voice and make it heard for His greater glory. He always hears us, even when no one else is listening!

The Next Chapter

As I begin a new chapter in my life, I thought it would only be fitting to give this page a new look. Also, I began this blog as an outlet while I made my journey to embrace my current vocation as a single woman of God. In these last few weeks, I could never think of anything to write here when I sat down to the computer. I realized the reason is that I no longer feel single. I just feel like me. My relationship status no longer defines me. Rather, I am defined by the love that God has written and the story He continues to write in my heart.

With only one more class to go in my college career, I can feel the mystery and almost taste the looming adventure before me. I had three glorious days off school this weekend, and I spent the time catching up on some reading. The books I read were about a girl who was about to graduate from college and did not know what God wanted her to do with her life. She continued to love God and trust in Him, then ended up setting off on what would perhaps be the greatest adventure of her life.

Of course, I have learned my lesson in not comparing my life to those of fictional characters, but there is always a certain amount of truth to be found in fiction (and more so in Christian/inspirational fiction!). The stories lifted my spirits in hope for what is to come. What God has planned for each of us is always much greater than what we have planned for ourselves. We just have to give Him the pen and open the book of our hearts so that He may fill the pages.

[The books I mentioned were part of the Katie Weldon series by Robin Jones Gunn. She also wrote the older Christy Miller series--a favorite of my teenage years! Check it out!]